Am I Progressing?

Sometimes I ask myself whether I'm progressing at all. Not after the good nights, but after the frustrating nights where nothing goes right. I think the most telling thing is that the frustrating nights now are a lot better than the frustrating nights from even a few months ago.

So I guess the answer is YES. Not even, "I guess," but "Hells Yeah." Sure, the improvement comes a lot more slowly than I would have liked, but then again we all want to get into this and be pulling chicks left and right by the next week. It does happen from time to time, but for most of us, it takes real work over a period of months or years. Kind of like Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill, but the boulder doesn't roll quite back to where it started. Maybe you get a few millimeters on some days, and centimeters or inches on others. That's ok - you appreciate something more if it takes forever to achieve. Plus, you have plenty of opportunities to reevaluate, and figure out whether it is what you really wanted.

Getting exactly what you want can sometimes even be a bad thing ;-)

Identifying with Sticking Points

I realized something interesting recently - I was failing to get better because I had identified with my sticking points. They became part of me, and I used them as an excuse to fail. If I screwed up in a set, it was because of my sticking point. If I didn't go out, it was because of my sticking point. If I got railed up the ass by a Himalayan dwarf, well, you can guess what I would have blamed... ;-)

In my case, the sticking point was something identified by a well-known pickup instructor. He told me that I was try-hard. It's true - I was try-hard, but it wasn't something I could do much about. Unlike outer game sticking points, you can't really tell someone how to fix inner game sticking points. The only thing you can do is to give them a bunch of silly exercises and affirmations that may or may not work. But, in the end, inner game issues must resolve themselves - you can't push through them like outer game issues.

I assumed that continuing to go out would fix the problem. When, six months later the same instructor told me the same thing, I took it like a death sentence. I was try-hard. That was just who I was. Girls were going to continue to hate me because I was try-hard. Never mind that I was still getting laid occasionally, and that I wasn't even going out as much as I had previously. Also disregard that some of the other try-hard guys were having decent results with women. I was try hard. I was going to die.

So, when you go to the doctor, and he tells you that you are going to die, a bunch of things flash through your head. At first, you are in denial, and you grieve, and blah blah blah. But, eventually, you accept your fate and move on. This is sort of what I did, but in the wrong way. I was try-hard. If I wasn't ever going to succeed, at least I knew why. It wasn't that I was ugly, or stupid, or even awkward. It was that I was try-hard.

I actually pretty much stopped going out for a few months. I was busy with other things, but that wasn't really a good excuse. When I did go out, I could barely bring myself to approach. But that was ok, I was try-hard. Girls didn't want to sleep with me because I was try-hard. And you get the point.

And I didn't get better. My social skills actually atrophied, to the point where I felt like it was a lot harder to carry on a conversation with a complete stranger. Furthermore, guys who did worse in-set than me were getting better results. And then it hit me.

IT WAS ALL BULLSHIT!

I'm going to repeat that

IT WAS ALL BULLSHIT!

Whether or not I was try-hard didn't matter. There is no way to directly fix try-hard, so I shouldn't be focusing on it. I should only be focusing on doing the things that will get me results. The only way to get past that was to keep pushing myself. In face, appearing try-hard was actually a symptom of not pushing myself. I was going out, talking to girls, and but not really pushing my boundaries. And this was the problem, and not whatever "try-hard" is.

So I've been focusing on going out, pushing my boundaries, and not worrying about anything intangible. And I really feel a lot better about game and my progress.

This is not to say that you shouldn't focus on your sticking points, or your inner game issues. Just don't identify with them, and allow them to continue to hold you back.

Dude Sarging

I hate the word "sarging," along with all other community lingo. I just wanted to let everyone know how I feel about that.

I've been going to this mastermind group. We talk about our pickup goals, but also our life goals (health, wealth, and relationships). A few weeks ago, I commented that I was drinking too much when I went out. Not to excess (one or two), but one or two beers every time you go out does add up. I had gained about 6-8 pounds over the last six months. The feedback was (predictably) "try drinking less."

So, I essentially stopped drinking when I went out. Maybe I'll drink once a week, but I've been trying to go at it sober. Suddenly, my game is worse, and I'm not having as much fun. Hmm... That's interesting.

One of the problems is that, when I go out, I have an agenda. I want to get laid. That's fine, but it causes me to react differently. I come across as needy, and girls can sense that. The only way to eliminate that (for me) is by drinking. Quiets the chatter in my head right down. I'm not a problem drinker (or even close to it), but it would be nice to not be dependent on alcohol. One of the suggestions was to go out once a week and not talk to anyone. If I'm not talking to anyone, there is no way that I can be outcome dependent.

I decided to further that. I'm going to go out once a week and "dude sarge." Basically, I can't talk to girls. I have to talk to guys. The only way I can talk to a girl is if she's in a mixed set (and then I need to talk to the guys as well).

This is week one. I'm trying to motivate myself to go out tonight...

September Eighth

Every post seems to be along the lines of "I haven't posted forever. Blah Blah Blah." This post is probably going to be the same. I have a lot going on in my life right now, although I am going out more. Feeling good, loving my new city.

Narrowly messed up a social circle lay this weekend (I was probably about 2 minutes from getting laid when I screwed it up), but it was a good lesson. I got needy, and pushed too hard at the wrong time. Fortunately, my life is exactly the same as it would have been if I had gotten laid (the girl was a friend of a friend of a friend who was only in town for the weekend). There is something about labor day weekend and screwing up lays (happened last year as well).

I Was Once a Loyal Lover

For the past few weeks, I've been listening to "I Was Once a Loyal Lover" from Death Cab for Cutie's "Open Door EP." It kind of caught in my head, but I never really listened to the lyrics. I just read them, and it's pretty much exactly what I'm going through right now. To quote:

I was once a loyal lover
Whose lips did never seek another's
But now each love's more like a match
A blinding spark that burns out fast

Basically, my read is that I was stuck in boring relationships. Now I love them quickly and then burn it out. Still isn't what I'm looking for.

And you can't even begin to know
How many times I've told myself "I told you so"
And you can't even begin to believe
There's so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me

At every point in my life so far (at least for the past five years or so), Death Cab has released songs that are personally relevant to me. Ben Gibbard must be able to read my mind (or maybe I'm just going through some standard angst).

I was hanging out with a female friend today, and we were talking about relationships. I realized that my biggest problem is that I'm intimidated by girls who I am interested in. When I'm not terribly interested, I have no problem going after them. We hook up, but I lose interest pretty much as soon as we have sex. However, when I'm really interested, I get intimidated and wuss out. I usually come up with a lame excuse for why I'm not going to go for them (like I'm leaving town). There is one girl who I will probably have a crush on forever because I never made a move before I left Boston. The signals were ambiguous at best, but that could just be my back-rationalization.

Old Month, Slacking Off

Not much new to report. I've been working pretty hard on my startup. Wake up early, work out, then work for a long time. By the time that 10 or 11 rolls around, I'm pretty exhausted. I also spend a lot of time programming (especially at night), which makes it much harder to switch into social mode. I end up getting out like once a week, which is pathetic. Time to change that.

Haven't found many bars around here that I actually like, but I should be looking harder. Tonight I'm going to try a new town, and see what's going on down there. Still haven't connected with any community guys in SF - I really need a support network, because it's hard going at it solo.

I'm moving up to SF in about a month, which should hopefully make it easier to find wings and go out. But, as I'm discovering, I can't rely on other people to do things for me. I need to want it.

On a more positive note, I'm finishing up with Week 5 of P90X. I've been modifying it a bit so that I can go out biking (mostly biking instead of the cardio/plyo workouts), but it's going ok. Hard work, but I think I'm starting to see results (slowly).

New Month, New State

It seems to be impossible for me to write regular posts on this blog. I completely missed the month of June. For most of the month, I was traveling and in the process of moving cross-country. Finished school, and went to my sister's wedding. Attended a bootcamp in Miami, where I learned some important things. The most important lesson is that I'm still try-hard and don't have enough fun. When I interact with girls, I come across as too intense. I think that I'm finally ready to fix that.

About two weeks ago, I arrived on the West Coast. I've been out a few times, and it has been going pretty well. I'm not taking "gaming" nearly as seriously. Trying to go out and have fun, regardless of the outcome. Be slightly more of a sarcastic asshole when I'm interacting with girls. I pulled a chick this past weekend - it seemed like more of a layup than anything else (she opened me), but it probably wouldn't have happened without all of the work that I've been doing. A lot of the learning involves integrating things into your subconscious - on some level it's hard to figure out what you're even doing differently.

I saw some old friends this weekend (some of whom I hadn't seen in two years), and a couple of them independently said that I had changed a lot. They said that I seem happier and more relaxed. The cynic in me immediately piped in that I had gotten laid the night before, but then I realized that I am in fact much happier and more relaxed. More confident and outgoing as well.