Being Realistic

I took a month off from reading or posting to a certain pickup-related bulletin board. When I got back, I realized just how weird it all is. One thing I have noticed is a lot of guys are completely delusional about their abilities. I mean, guys who are virgins are bragging about their skills. Guys who don't appear to be all that good talk about how they are better than everyone they know. One guy has hundreds of posts, and is constantly giving advice to anyone who listens. When he wrote a vague 1-year post and a newbie asked him about his results, he admitted that his cold approach game isn't all that good, and that he hasn't really approached much until recently.

I think that it all comes back to the Kruger-Dunning effect. About ten years back, some psychologists compared perceived performance at various tasks with actual performance. The group that performed the worst drastically overestimated their performance, while the best group underestimated their performance. If you want to read the whole thing, go here

I have heard some skilled PUAs mention that the guys who get the best are the ones who always think that they aren't all that good. Once you get cocky about your skills, it's all over. Good thing that I still think I suck at this...

I almost want to stop reading community shit altogether and focus on just trying to be a cool normal guy. I'm not proposing that I stop going out, but rather that I drop the whole "pickup" frame and terminology. Instead of going out "sarging," I can "go to bars with my friends and hit on girls." I kind of wonder why guys who have gotten pretty good stay in this community (not that many of them do). Some of it comes down to wanting to help others, but their is some sort of need for validation that people have. I enjoy helping newer guys to build their skills, but the weirdness factor is really high.

Alright. Time to get back to work...

One Year Report - Lessons From the Field

This is a cross-post from the Boston Lair.

So, where to begin? I've been in this for one year. In the field 3-4 nights a week (plus the occasional day) for the past 52 weeks or so. In all, I've probably been out at least 200 times, and opened close to 1500 sets. I've made a lot of progress, but to be honest, I think that I'm about 10% of the way to my goal.

Here are a few things that I have learned (in no particular order). Don't consider any of this to be "expert advice" - this is actually more for my benefit than for anyone else's. I do invite feedback from anyone who cares to read it, so feel free to disagree or tear me to pieces.

Going Out is Necessary but not Sufficient for Success
I don't care what anyone says. The only way to get good at this is to go out. A lot. If you don't have at least 3-5 sets for every post on a pickup forum, you are probably aren't in field enough.

With that said, going out probably isn't enough. It's important to have a good game plan, and to consistently push yourself. Which brings me to my next point...

Push Yourself
I can't remember who said this, but someone defined insanity as "doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting different results." A lot of us do that with pickup. We don't continue to push our comfort zones, and do the same things over and over. Once you have expanded your reality by doing something new until it becomes a habit, you should continue to push the boundaries.

Getting out of the house and going to the bar is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Talking to random people at the bar is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Being able to hold a good conversation with a girl is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Escalating physically at the venue is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Asking for a phone number or setting up a time bridge is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Calling a girl is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Going on a date is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Taking a girl back to your place and fucking her, now that's a different story.

I'll admit that I'm still running a lot of 20-minute sets to nowhere. My 20-minute sets to nowhere are drastically better than they were a few months ago, but they still don't lead to lays.

One benefit of good wings is that they can help to keep you honest.

Don't Beat Yourself Up
Everyone screws up sometimes. Sets go bad for reasons that are out of your control. Look back in order to figure out what to do differently in the future, but don't be too critical of yourself. One of my biggest realizations has been that I need to be less self-critical. Self-criticism is a form of negative reinforcement. If you beat yourself up every time that you approach, eventually you will stop approaching.

Learn to praise yourself for the small things. Lately, I've taken to going out solo. When I'm out by myself, success is defined as any night where I approach, and everything else is a bonus. It's amazing how much better I do when I adopt that attitude.

Don't Compare Yourself To Anyone Else
One of the most important things I have learned is that everyone develops these skills on his own time frame. Some people get into this, open a few sets, and are suddenly getting laid. Other people take years to get where they want to, even with consistent practice. Everyone is different, and has a different path to mastery.

I'm going to be honest - I've seen a bunch of guys come in who are tall, good looking, and pretty confident, and they tend to develop more quickly than the guys who are short, ugly, and not very social. But then again, some of the guys who everyone thought were hopeless are now getting laid. Everyone has natural advantages and natural disadvantages. Some of the natural advantages are better in the short-term, and some will help you long-term. If your wing starts pulling like a rockstar while you're still trying to get solid phone numbers, don't get discouraged.

Just make sure that you have a plan, and let the results take care of themselves.

Focus on What Makes You Happy
I've always been a fairly unhappy person. I have never been severely depressed, but I sort of assumed for the first 27 years of my life that I would always be somewhat miserable. No wonder that I had a lot of trouble attracting women. Would you want to be around someone who doesn't like himself?

Over the past year, I've worked on that a lot, and I can honestly say that I've been a much happier person recently. Instead of having negative thoughts running through my head, most of my thoughts are positive. And when i have a negative emotion, i can stop it before it becomes a problem. I would say that the most important piece was going on a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat (and subsequently meditating for an hour every day).

Have Fun
At the beginning, I HATED going out. Through a lot of trial and error, I've actually learned to love bars and clubs in their own special way. Some guys never like going out. And I'm going to tell you a secret - its pretty obvious when someone isn't having any fun.

If you aren't have fun, figure out how to change that. To be honest, this is something that I'm working on. There are nights where this feels like a job. And they are drastically inferior to the nights where I really don't give a fuck.

Keep It Real
A lot of guys who get really into this end up dropping their non-community friends and focusing on pickup pretty much full-time. After a while, they realize that their life has become a haze of nights out in the field, and days are focused on scraping by so that they can get to those nights out. I definitely did this for a while, and after a while it starts to feel pretty damn shallow. There is so much more to life than chasing pointless pussy. A lot of guys who get laid a lot suck at many other aspects of their life.

There has been a significant anti-community movement within the community. You know, the guys who say "the community is weird." To some degree, this line of reasoning makes sense. You aren't going to get good with girls by talking about abstract concepts. To some degree, all of the community terminology and theories are just cluttering your head, and you would be better served by reading celebrity gossip magazines. I recently took a month off from the community, during which I didn't read any Pickup Material, and didn't read the Boston Lair or attend meetings. I have to say that I didn't really miss it all that much. With that said, I recognize that it does have value.

Wake up and do an honest assessment of yourself. If you are obsessed with this stuff, make sure that it isn't your only obsession. It's fine to go out at night to hit on girls, if that's what you enjoy doing. Just don't have that be the only thing in your life. Recently, I realized that I have totally been neglecting my social circle, and have resolved to put more emphasis on that.

Have Good Wings
One of the most important things over the past year has been having good wings.

I've been out with a LOT of wings in this time, and have seen a lot of people come and go. it always bothers me a little when I meet a guy who I like and then he drops out. A lot of guys get into this, do it for a little while, and decide that it's too hard. Maybe they are already getting some results, and it's too hard to push themselves to get what they actually want. Or maybe they just have things that are higher priority in their lives. Whatever the case, I hope that these guys eventually get what they are looking for.

I've also met guys who are dedicated to this but not suitable as wings. Sometimes you just don't click with a guy. Being someone's wing takes a certain vibe - sometimes you have it and sometimes you don't. It does take some practice to get good at winging someone, but some people just aren't right as wings. Maybe your personalities are too different, or maybe you just want different things. At some point, it's better to do an honest assessment and move on.

A good wing isn't just a guy who you go out with to "sarge." A good wing is a comrade who you can relate to, someone you hang out with both inside and outside of the club. If you aren't out for a while, they will call you to see what's up, and to ask whether there is anything they can do to help. I consider my best wings to be close friends.

I would give shout outs, but I think that the relevant parties all know who they are. Thanks a lot guys.

Figure out Where you Want to Go
No matter what you think that you want, you are probably never going to be satisfied. A lot of guys get into this because they are desperate and want to get laid. Then they get laid, and they want to be able to get laid more regularly, or with hotter girls. Then they get laid more, and they want to date multiple girls at the same time. And so on and so forth.

At some point, you realize that you have kind of lost the forest for the trees. You got into this wanting sex, and at some point you lost sight of that goal. There isn't really a clear end to this, so know what you want. Figure out what will truly make you happy, and work towards that. There really is no prize for fucking the most girls, I promise you (although some guys appear to be trying to change that).

I'll be honest in saying that I'm not at either the quality or quantity targets that I wanted when I got into this. I've slept with more girls in the past year than in my entire life before that, and that isn't yet enough. But I see this as a long-term process, and I'm ok with it taking me a few more years to get there. I'm confident that eventually I'll get to the point where I meet a really cool girl who I want to be with long-term, but I think that's a ways off.

This is Hard
Everyone hurts. Sometimes.

I've had a bunch of shitty nights where I wanted to throw in the towel and quit. At the beginning, that was every night. Now it maybe happens once every month or two. Strangely, it has nothing to do with results. Sometimes I haven't gotten laid in a month and feel great, and sometimes I feel like shit even though I got a new lay the day before.

On some level, you need to be able to dissociate yourself from the pain. Realize that all feelings and emotions will eventually pass (yup, I've been brainwashed by Buddhists). Sometimes I tell myself the same thing when I'm feeling like I'm on top of the world. It's all just chemicals in your brain, and none of it really matters. The only thing that matters is that you keep going out and interacting with people. Enjoy all of the nights. Even the shitty ones.

The Two Immutable Laws of Pickup
I've posted these before, but I think that they still apply, so I'll conclude by reiterating:

1) It doesn't fucking matter.
2) Excellence is inevitable.