EA: My new AA

I'm trying to get at the root of my escalation anxiety. Basically, this is keeping me from having success. I need to figure out why I'm doing it, and how I can get through it. From working with Doc Holliday and ruthless self-analysis (as well as a healthy helping of community material), I think that it comes down to two major things: Verbal and Physical Escalation. I also have been thinking a lot about building a solid routine stack.

Verbal Escalation
My game involves chatting normally with a girl, and hoping that she is attracted based on kino and eye contact. Sometimes this works, but it doesn't escalate as well as I would like. I need to escalate more verbally. This could be done via banter.

I downloaded a PDF of banter flash cards, and have been going through them a few times a day. I have started using some of the lines, but not the ones I want. I picked out a few, and I'm going to make it a point to use them in set. Even if they are totally off and miscalibrated, I am going to run as many of them as possible. Once I have the first few down, I can move on to others, until I have the entire deck at my disposal. I think that I'm uncomfortable with banter, and need to get better at it.

Physical Escalation
Same thing. I downloaded a PDF of physical escalation flashcards. I'm not sure if the "put hands down pants" flashcard should be used before or after you open ;-)

Seriously, I think that I need more intent. Kino during sets isn't a problem, but kino escalation is. Most importantly, I need to isolate. I think that I'm going to start saying "I'm going to borrow you for a second," and then try to move the girl to another location in the club. Hopefully that should get me on the right track.

Boredom
I think that another sticking point is boredom. When I run a routine too many times, I start to abhor it. On some level, I would rather blow out the set rather than hear the same dumb story again. This brings me to my next point

Routine Stacks
I used to hate routine stacks. I wanted to be "natural." For the first six months I was out, I ran "no game game." I would go in, introduce myself, and talk to the girls. Sometimes it worked great, at least for the first 30 or 40 minutes. Sometimes I had nothing to say after "Hey. How's it going," and walk away immediately. When I was having a shitty night, this would happen to most of my sets. When I was having a good night, almost everything would hook. Over time, I got to the point (even on bad nights) where girls rarely blow me out. Rather, they stop talking, and I stop plowing. After a while, I usually walk away.

So the problem was twofold. First of all, I was inconsistent. If I wasn't in super state at the beginning of the night, I might as well go home. Plus, my natural game isn't super dominant or sexually aggressive. I lack natural escalation (or intent, as purewin calls it). I fixed the first by canning a semi-interesting story. If I'm having a non-exceptional night, I launch my opener, and then follow it up with the story. Most of my sets hook when I do that. But I don't always do it. And using the same canned story gets boring after a while.

I went to a lair talk by DJ Fuji, Mehow's head instructor. This guy is clearly good. One of the first things he said is that you are shooting yourself in the foot if you don't have a routine stack. He asked for a show of hands, and out of the 20 or so guys in the room, maybe two had routine stacks (and one is taking his training program). The Boston Lair is pretty focused on natural game, so routine stacks are out of vogue. If you asked somewhere else, you might get a different answer.

After I initially thought that he said that just to push Mehow's shit, I realized that it actually makes sense. Always having something to say can never be a bad thing. There are a lot of resources on how to think up something to say, but nothing is better than having a few fallbacks. You don't always need to use it, but its nice to have. I think that, for me, a routine stack would work wonders on shitty nights. I would have a bunch of amusing material to run when I'm feeling about as creative as a block of concrete.

Plus, some canned attraction and comfort material would be a good thing. Might tighten up my sets, and make verbal escalation easier.

The moral of the story is that I'm going to put together about 30 minutes of material that I can run in any situation. We'll see how it goes.

Remembering Girls' Names

Another thing that has bitten me a bunch is remembering girls' names. Last night, I put into place a system that helps me to remember names. When a girl introduces herself, I say "like X?", naming a famous person who has the same name. If I don't know of a famous person, I say something like "where did that name come from?" This actually worked pretty well with a sample size of like 3 or 4. I need to remember to keep doing this.

Fail #1

Outcome
So last night was a fail. I had one set (no, two) that was prime for isolation, and a few others that were definitely isolateable. I went over to this girl (7.5 at least), and said that she looked like a fucking bumblebee (I bumped into Entropy doing a 1-on-1, and he told me that he was telling his student to get blown out. I decided to try this as well). Surprisingly, the set hooked, and I stayed in for 30 minutes or so, until the bar closed and we had to leave. I hit it off pretty well with her - I probably could have gotten a fairly solid number. More importantly, she had just broken up with her boyfriend (and she mentioned it pretty quickly). The logistics were probably right for a pull, but I didn't isolate enough to make that a possibility. Basically, I didn't attempt to isolate until I realized that it was too late (the bar kicked us out), and then I felt awkward about the situation and ejected without a time bridge.

I feel like the problem is that I don't exactly know when to isolate. Typically, I realize after the fact that I should have isolated. I think that I need some sort of system for determining that its time to isolate, and then I need a routine for isolating.

Solution
Tony Robbins says that in order to effect change, you need to isolate massive pain with not adopting the new behavior, and massive pleasure with adopting that behavior. The massive pain is that, so long as I don't isolate, I am going to miss out on getting to know lots of great girls better. I am going to berate myself night after night on the missed opportunities, and cry myself to sleep after I go home alone. Moreover, I will waste a lot of valuable time in sets that don't go anywhere. If I do this, my results will skyrocket, and I will quickly improve with women. I will have many cool, attractive girls in my life, and will feel much more successful. This will help my confidence in not only pickup, but also in my social life in general and my business life. Therefore, I must handle my escalation anxiety by isolating.

I think that the second thing I need is a system. Some way of figuring out that its the right way to isolate, and a standard way to isolate. Maybe I want to count IOIs. Once I see three IOIs (defined as broadly as possible, as anything that could somehow be construed as interest), I isolate. Doc Holliday suggested that I ask the girl to go with me to get a drink from the bar. Once I'm doing well in a set, alcohol may also loosen up some of my escalation anxiety.

Defusing Obstacles
Another important skill that I haven't completely mastered is defusing obstacles. Last night, there was a set that I came in, where I was winging another guy. He had pulled off one girl, and there were four others standing there. I started talking to another, and was getting a fairly good level of interest from her. Two of the other girls wanted to dance. There was also a spoiler, who was clearly in a bad mood and interested only in cockblocking her friends. She stood around, lurking, sucking value. When she came in, she made a negative comment. Then a few minutes later, she tried to pull the girls away. We were each deep in conversation, so my girl stalled her. A few minutes later, the obstacle finally managed to pull them both away (she was really annoying - if it had been my friend, I would have gone with her just to shut her up).

In postmortem, I should have attempted to befriend this obstacle. I should then have told her to take her other friends dancing, and that our girls would go over when they were ready. I'm pretty sure that would have worked. In the future, I need to implement that strategy.

Wing Ejection
Lately, I've been going out a bunch with guys who are a bit less experienced than me. A lot of them still have social anxiety, and prematurely eject from sets. They are all really cool guys, and have a lot of potential as wings. A few months ago, I was in exactly the same place, and did a lot of the same things they do. It always shocks me how poor their wing skills are in a lot of cases, especially when compared to their other abilities.

I always forget that wing skills are one of the last things you develop. You get good at opening, hooking, and holding a set long before you get good at winging another guy. The thing I have noticed with inexperienced wings is that they:

1) Don't usually know how to enter a set. When I'm winging, I say hi to the guy who is in the set, and then wait for him to acknowledge and introduce me. I say hi to the girls, and then wait a minute or two to figure out what is going on. I then start a conversation with whatever girl is closer to me (if the wing is experienced, he will usually guide me towards one of the girls).

2) Eject out of sets where they are winging. When I'm winging, my goal is to hold the obstacle, or to attract her. Especially when she is the cuter girl of the two. I never eject unless the obstacle starts actively ignoring me, or if I feel like my continued involvement will cost my wing the set. I see newer wings come in and then eject a few minutes later. If they get blown out, that's fine, but the obstacle typically don't usually blow out the wing so long as the other guy's girl likes him. Sometimes the obstacle will just go away, but that's another story (that is actually a desired outcome in most cases).

I have gotten better at coping with this, but it can be difficult to handle (more difficult than just running a two-set solo). I don't typically talk to the obstacle once the wing has come in, so there is a completely unmanaged variable in the set when the wing ejects.

Physical Isolation

So, my goal for a while has been to become more comfortable with isolating girls. I have learned (and been told) that you need to isolate the girl in order to escalate sufficiently for the solid number close or the lay. The problem is that I'm a total pussy. I've been soft-stepping for months, afraid to truly man up and take initiative.

Last week, I had a set where I isolated the girl pretty quickly, and before long were were making out and she was volunteering to give me her number. I can probably count the solid number closes that I've had from night game on two hands, and maybe even one.

This set came immediately on the tail of another set, where I didn't take initiative, and I lost a set that had a lot of promise in the beginning. After about 30 minutes, the girl got bored, and got pulled away.

So, last night, I had another similar situation. The first set was one that I entered. I came into the venue and saw a friend in a 2-set. He was doing pretty well, but I entered (since it can be hard to really isolate with a 2-set). After a while (right as I was thinking about isolating), they went off to go to bed. More validation for my theory that you either need to e

The next set that is worth talking about was a 2-set that I opened. I opened, and got the set hooked. Then my wing came in to talk to the obstacle. Next, the obstacle's boyfriend came in. My friend stuck around for a little while, and then ejected or got blown out. I had been in the set for a while at this point, so I decided to go for it.

I said, "I'm going to show you something," and dragged her across the room. She was like "what," but was pretty compliant about it. We get there, I show her the thing that I was meaning to show her, and we start talking. Then, about a minute later, her friend and the boyfriend come over to us. They say some things in spanish, and a minute or two later the girls head to the bathroom. The lesson learned here is that, before you take the girl, check in with her friends. If you don't, bad things will happen.

But, overall, I made positive progress towards my goal. My spider-sense is telling me that I should be isolating, and I'm actually doing it. I just need to keep this up, and work on technique. I think that, from hereon out, my criteria for success is to physically attempt to isolate one or more girls during a given night (doesn't count if I make a verbal compliance request). Attempting to clear it with the friends and getting rejected also counts. The only way to fail is to not even try. I'm going to keep myself honest on this blog.

Going Solo

So, tonight, I went out solo for the first time in quite a while. After going to a street fair today, I was sort of tired (I have been trying to catch up on sleep). I took a nap, and didn't wake up until about midnight. I figured that the night was shot, but there are a few bars right near me, so I figured that I would make a circuit and check things out.

Well, the first bar was dead, but the second one had some people in it. It was empty enough to make me self-conscious - everyone seemed to be in a group. I went in, and resolved that I was going to stay for at least half an hour, come hell or high water. Even if I just stood there looking like a chode, that was ok. I bought a beer, and sat down on a couch. I chatted a bit with the guy sitting next to me, and then to his girlfriend when she sat down.

Then I got adventuresome - I decided to go into the other room. I talked a bit to the people who were watching Rock Band and Big Buck Hunter (turned out that the girls were unconnected to the guys). Chatted with and kinoed the cutest girl, and got some back from her in return. I should probably have plowed a bit harder - she clearly wanted some. After a while, they shut off the video games, so I went back to the main room. Hung out for a little while, and then split.

Mission accomplished. That really wasn't so bad. If I keep going out, I think that I will get comfortable with being out alone.

Sh*t Tests

Ever since I started using some canned material in my opener, I have been getting shit tested a lot more than ever before. My opener is:

"You guys seem fun. Are you friendly?"

So long as they say "yes", it's on. Continue on, and the set usually hooks.

However, when they say "no," I say something along the lines of "I'm an asshole too. Give me five." This gets a decent reaction, but then I usually get shit tested at some point down the road. Here's a set from Saturday night.

I get through the opener.

Girl: So, tell me your story.

Me: Do you want the long version or the short version?

Girl: The short version. Actually, tell me three things that make you awesome.

At this point, she was asking me to qualify myself. 

Me: Blah Blah Blah (I qualified myself). Now it's your turn.

Her: I don't need to tell you. You're the one who approached me.

I kind of realize that I'm fucked.

Her: Actually, can you do us a favor? (Hands me her camera)

Me: Sure. (I grab the camera, put my arm around her, and start to aim the camera at the two of us).

Her: I want you take a picture of the two of us (points at her friend). Make sure that you get all of us. Head to toe.

Me: You're kind of bossy.

Her: I just know what I want.

I this point, I handed the camera back to her (without taking a picture), and walked away.

I know that I made several mistakes in this set, but I'm not entirely sure how I could have handled it better. Feel free to comment if you have suggestions.

Hard Sets are Fun

Last night was the beginning of a new era - I went back to pushing myself again. I even went out with one of my old-school wings. We used to have an awesome time competing to see who could open the most sets when we went out. We both made a lot of progress in those first couple of months. Then he took a break, and I sort of floundered. 

Prelude

I really wasn't going to go out, but then he texted me. I figured that, if we were going to go out, there are only about 2 venues in Boston that are decent on a Wednesday night. One of them is not incredibly far from where I live. So we met up - we agreed to leave home about 9 (my wing probably lives 10-15 minutes further on the T than I do). I showed up at about 9:40, and the venue was completely empty. A few guys were there, and maybe one couple (who was clearly together). A big group of girls rolls in, and I didn't open them. I figured that I would do it later, when my wing showed up. That was a chode out - a few of the girls were pretty cute.

My wing shows up at about 10. Turns out that he has met one of the girls in the big set before. We set goals - mine is to open 5 and isolate twice (this is a small venue, so 10 was probably high). He casually starts talking to the girl next to him (part of the big set), and the girl he has met before soon comes over and takes her place. 

Warming Up

My wing is out of commission, so I figure that no time like the present to start opening sets (I had halfway thought about going out solo). I go over, and open a three-set. I use my usual opener, and then transition into a short story. When I deliver my opener, I get a comment along that lines of "that's forward" - I shrug it off and plow through it. The set doesn't really hook, but two of the three girls seem interested. They are asking questions and in general acting interested. Unfortunately, the cute one is being an ice queen. I talk to the other girls a bit (attempt some cold reading), but try to get her interested (I'm kinoing her the most and giving her more attention). She isn't giving me anything. After a while, I eject. Should have stayed in the set for longer and plowed, or better yet, started talking to the friend and then pulled her back in. I also needed to move around more and tease more (a well-placed neg might have done wonders there).

Second open of the night is technically a two-set, although her friend is occupied by a guy. I flub the opener a bit (she can't hear me at first, and then I don't really tell the story right). I plow for a few minutes, but she is really distant. After a while, she tells me that her boyfriend is over "there" (points behind me), so she doesn't want to strike up anything. He was either the guy standing behind the bar who didn't talk to her all night, or made up. It doesn't matter

I open another two-set at the bar. I'm practicing working groups, so I attempt to talk to both girls (even though one is probably a 6 and the other is a 7.5 or 8). Turns out that the cute one goes to school at the same place I do. I talk to them both, although the less cute one is getting more engaged. They sit down, so I sit down next to them (sittting down could have been a subtle brush-off, but I decided that I didn't care, especially because they sat down right next to the bar). I sat next to the one I had been talking to - this made it difficult to engage her friend as well (I would have had to get between them, which is probably worth a try). After a while, her friend gets bored, so they go off somewhere else. I should have kept the cute friend occupied.

At this point, my wing has been in set for about 40 minutes. I figure that he isn't going to pull that one and probably wants to be rescued, so I go in. He gets the number and ejects. 

My Namesake

I see a set on the other side of the place, and decide to go in. They didn't seem that cute from afar, but I didn't see any other open sets. I go in with the normal shit, and hook pretty quickly. Turns out that one of the girls is pretty cute. My wing comes in after a few minutes, and takes the friend. I start escalating pretty quickly (kinoing more is starting to pay off) - there is clearly interest (she's kinoing me as much as I kino her). The strangest thing is that she has the same name as me (yeah, who would think that there is a girl named "Frame" out there ;-).

But they are near the door, and soon they leave (they had somewhere else to go for). I should have gotten the number, but gaming a girl with the same name as me seems kind of strange.

At this point, I have one set left to hit my goal. My wing starts talking about bouncing. It's like 11:30, and I don't want to stay out too late. My wing opens a mixed 2-set, and asks whether there are any good venues around there. The girl doesn't know, but the set opens. The guy leaves, but after a while he comes back.

The Hard Set

So my wing says, "do you want a hard set?" I reply that I'm game. He points out a mixed 3-set with two guys and a girl. I figure that there is nothing to lose, even though the guys are a lot bigger than me. The girl is smoking hot (at least an 8, probably more like 8.5). I feel really awkward delivering my standard opener, but I do it anyways. I try to be nice to the guys at first, and then transition to the girl. I never figure out the relationship between them - one guy is Bosnian, and the other is local (I think). She is pretty receptive - turns out that she's here from Spain to learn English. She speaks English pretty well for only spending 7 months here. It seems to be going pretty well - I'm kinoing a lot, and she seems comfortable. She is leaning into me so much that her breast is rubbing against my arm. I touch it a bit, although more incidentally than overtly. She doesn't seem to mind. After a while, she asks me where the bathroom is, and goes to the bathroom.

At this point, I chode out, and go back to my wing. The idea of being alone with the guys kind of scares me. I also had an intuition that they were looking at me sort of menacingly - this was just my mind making excuses. I need to get over this. Another set where I should have either gone for the number when she went off or waited around, reengaged, and escalated. But overall it was pretty strong.

We head home. I think that the night was fairly successful. No real results, but some of the sets went pretty well. I was feeling good when I went out, and I stayed fairly strong all night. I think that I just need to be a bit more forward.