On Giving Value

I feel like "value" is one of those concepts that is thrown about in a pretty nebulous fashion. You hear guys say "give value" all the time, but I get the impression that a fair number of them don't know what this actually means. Similarly to "be outcome independent" or "be in the moment," it has become a mantra with little real substance behind it. Furthermore, I think that a lot of guys in the community are value junkies, and are obsessed with measuring exactly how much value everyone consumes and emits. I feel like a lot of the advice to newbies on "how to give value" is misdirected.

Before I start, I'm going to admit that there are MANY kinds of value. However, I am concerned primarily with value from the PUA perspective. And from the PUA perspective, I am talking about how do you give value to other guys in the community.

What is not "Giving Value?"
For some reason, one of the things that irks me the most are the non-offers of value that come up from time to time. The sad thing is that these are well intended. Guy joins the community, sees "give value" plastered all over the place, and decides that he has to do something. He has worked as a professional dog washer in the past, so he volunteers to wash anyone's dog for free. Maybe he gets a few compliments for this, but it is likely that no one takes him up, and in the end, it doesn't do much for his standing in the community.

Why is this? First of all, this is a pretty big offer to just put out there. It's kind of like offering to buy a random girl a drink. It's kind of out of the blue, and some people would feel like you want something in return. There's a second reason, though, and I think that is more important. This "value" is totally irrelevant to pickup. I don't know about you, but I got into this to improve my skills with women. Maybe my dog needs to get washed, but so far as I know, that isn't going to get me laid. Which brings me to my next point...

What is "Giving Value?"
Giving value from the PUA perspective is enhancing the probability that other guys will get laid. It's pretty simple; if you increase then chance that I will get laid, then as a PUA you are giving me value. A lot of newbies wonder how they can get a chance to hang out with more experienced guys. Unsurprisingly, a large percentage of the guys out there will hang out with anyone who offers enough value.

How Do I Give Value?
So I'm going to preface this by saying that there are many ways to give value. I have seen some extremely creative value displays during my time in the community, and I don't want to get into a laundry list. However, here are a few that are both the simplest and most effective.

1) Be Positive - It's amazing; this is so simple, yet many guys fail to do it. You see them in a bar, and they look like they could be dying. Be genuinely positive and upbeat when you are out in field. Always say nice things to everyone, and never give criticism unless explicitly requested (and, even then, be careful about what you say). Above all, have fun. Positive people are great to be around. Even if a guy has no skills, if he is positive and upbeat, he is an asset to be out with.

2) Open Sets - When I'm out in the field with a wing, the most important thing I can see him do is to open a lot of sets. First of all, this motivates me to go out and open sets myself. Second of all, if my wing is approaching a lot, it is guaranteed that aren't going to spend the night in a chode crystal by the bar. Again, I don't care if a guy has any skill; so long as he is opening a lot, he is doing his job from my perspective. If he isn't pushing himself, that's another question, but if he is being positive AND opening, he is likely going to be pushing himself.

3) Be Consistent - I found that it took about 4-6 months for me to start going out with guys who I saw as "senior." One reason is that a lot of guys get into the community and then drop out within that period of time. It isn't worth a more experienced guy investing in you as a wing (I find that it takes a couple of weeks to a month to build wing vibe) unless you have proven that you stick with it. If you go out consistently every week (and hopefully 2-3+ times per week) for many months, people will notice, and they will want to hang out with you. Boston is a fairly small town - even if you don't plan to hang out with people, you will run into them in the field IF you are out enough.

4) Be Reliable - Don't flake on your wings. If a guy no shows more than once in a while (or chronically shows up at 11:30 PM), I'm probably not going to want to hang out with him all that much. This is an easy one that most people fail to do. Take this stuff as seriously as anything else in your life that you commit to.

In-Set Wing Skills
Notice that I haven't mentioned in-set wing skills yet. Are they unnecessary? To the contrary, they are pretty important. The problem I've found is that most guys can open, hook, and hold a set before they start to do a significant amount of in-set winging. It isn't until you start to need a wing in your sets that you start to learn how to be a good wing in others' sets. A lot of guys who have been around for less than six months aren't going to know much about being a good wing in-set (other than what they read on mASF about Mystery and Style). Most of their winging is going to involve pushing their friends into sets, and waiting around to encourage them when they blow out. You may occasionally be pulled into someone else's set, but you probably aren't going to be expected to do much other than occupy the obstacle and not creep her out.

I have seen a lot written about winging in-set, and I think that a lot of it is wrong (FYI, don't ever come into my set and ask me if I've see Michelle). Good wing vibe involves knowing your wing and being able to predict what sort of things he is going to do in-set (and being able to respond accordingly). IMHO, it takes several times out together to get to the point where a wing is a net plus in-set.

Financial Value
There are some guys in the community who already have a pretty high probability of getting laid when they go out. A few of them will hang out with newbies out of the kindness in their heart, but a lot of the people who have gotten good have started charging for their time. My interpretation is that once you can get laid at will (and I'm not anywhere near there at this point), the community no longer provides you with the same sort of value. The service they offer is a fair one - they have offered to increase the probability you get laid (hence giving you value) in exchange for some amount of money. You may be able to get them to go out with you under some other pretense (and if you're out enough, you WILL bump into these guys and get the opportunity to hang out with them), but it is unlikely that they will be as effective as they would under a student-teacher arrangement. I recommend that everyone pursue professional help at some point.

Outcome Independence

I had an interesting coaching call with Sinn about a month ago. He basically told me that I was too outcome dependent and try-hard, and that I needed to let go and have more fun. To be honest, that was probably the most accurate assessment that anyone had given me up to that point. Most of the assessments that I have gotten focus on symptoms rather than on the root cause. A few other people had told me similar things, but I had never really listened to them. I assumed that, by going out and approaching more sets, I would eventually cease to care. Not true. You can approach all that you want, but if you care about the outcome, you will continue to fall flat.

Being in the Moment
I think that the whole concept of being in the moment or the present is vital to defeating outcome dependence. Don't care about what happened during the last set, or what is going to happen at the end of this set. Just care about what's going on right now. What do you feel? What do you detect when you look at the girl's body language and eye contact? What are your primitive emotions telling you? If you're not listening to them, you probably should be.

Meditation
I've been workng hard to keep up with my meditation over the past few weeks. Every morning, I do an hour immediately after I wake up (don't pass go, don't check your email, don't collect $100, just sit on that cushion and focus on your body). Then I try to meditate whenever I have a few free moments during the day. Meditating on the subway ride to the club or the mall (if I'm doing day game) is a great way to totally relax myself, and defeat any outcome dependence. When I finish meditating, I'm content, and really don't care what happens. My first couple of sets are often the best of the night, rather than just warm-ups. It can be difficult to maintain this inner peace in the loud and busy club environment, but it definitely helps.

Observing Without Changing
I'm a control freak. This has made the concept of "observing without changing" an extremely difficult one to grasp. When something is wrong, I want to fix it, whether it be inside or outside of my control. Game involves a lot of unknowns that are impossible to control completely, so it can be counterproductive to try to consciously change things. The best attitude is to observe and move on. For example, I may notice that I'm getting a lot of BF objections when I open direct during the day, or that my sets aren't hooking. I can get discouraged, but this isn't going to help me. The best thing to do is to notice it, accept that, and keep going. A lot of times, once you know what the problem is, you will subconsciously make adjustments that self-correct.

My Goal
My goal is to be more self-aware and to understand and accept who I am. "Me" is a constantly changing concept - I will gradually become better over time, so long as I don't fight the changes. I am convinced that, if I can accomplish this goal, all of the other things I want in my life will gradually take care of themselves.

Wow, I'm really buying this Buddhist stuff, but it really seems to be helping my self-image and confidence. I'm feeling a lot more content than I was just a month ago (when I left for my Vipassana retreat). I'm sure that my inner feelings will continue to change and evolve over time (as everything is impermanent), but hopefully I can continue to accept them in the same manner as I move forward.

A Month

Wow. It has been a month since my last post. I'm still alive and kicking, but ended up taking a break of sorts. I didn't really intend to, but first I spent 2 weeks at a Vipassana retreat, and then a week visiting family. By the time I had a chance to go out, it had been three weeks.

AA
It's amazing how much AA you have after not going out for a few weeks. I don't believe in "approach reluctance" or any shit of that sort. The idea of having to open a set causes physical anxiety and pain when you aren't used to it. Good thing that it goes away after a few nights in the field. In my case, I actually spent the first couple of nights choding out and only opening one set (which didn't really hook either time). Then I went out another night, and we made the excuse that there weren't any sets (there were probably two or three at least, even if you don't count mixed sets). It wasn't until I went out with one of my best wings that I actually blasted through my AA. I set my goal at 5 sets for the night (I started out with modest aspirations), and had no problem hitting it. The next night I was back to usual form.

Vipassana
This shit is amazing. I'm probably going to write an entire post on it, but it has changed my outlook on life. I never understood how to become outcome independent - despite the community dogma, no one actually tells you how to achieve it. Well, this technique is one way to achieve that. Possibly the best spent ten days of my life.

I'm going to reiterate the two immutable laws of pickup, and then I'm going to head out for the night. More on Vipassana and on outcome independence later...

1) It doesn't fucking matter.
2) Excellence is inevitable.