Last Night

Self-Pity
So, last night I went out with one of my wings. This was the second time in as many nights that I went out, but really wasn't into it. I have kind of been on a self-pitying streak recently. I think that it goes back to taking rejection personally. For some reason, I have become desensitized to having my approaches rejected, but there is something completely different about screwing up a Day2. At least there is in my mind.

Validation
So I was thinking about whether it is possible to be completely internally validated. I think this is one of those things that the community perpetuates, but it seems like an impossible ideal. You need some external validation to be happy, at least in the long term. Sure, its possible to bootstrap, and to make yourself immune to short-term shifts in external validation, but most happy people have good things going on in their lives. The only people I can think of who are completely internally validated are monks. If everyone became a monk, then our society and ultimately our species would die out. Therefore, I think that there is some sort of evolutionary advantage to being externally validated, and it is genetically ingrained into us. At least that's my crackpot theory of the day (fun with evolutionary biology).

Mini-FR
Anyways, we bounced around, and opened some sets. I had one that went ok, although I wasn't so into the girl and they were ready to leave. She was touching my shirt though, so I think she was interested. This gorilla comes up to me (he is probably twice as wide as I am) and tells me that the girl is dating his friend. I'm like, that's fine. I wasn't doing anything inappropriate, so I have nothing to be ashamed of. I wonder why this happens - I wonder whether she has cheated on her boyfriend before. Its shit like this that actually makes me not care whether a girl has a boyfriend.

We go to this place where we have been before. My wing starts talking to this UG outside who had some decent-looking friends. I get inside, and notice that there is a girl in there who I number closed last week, but who hasn't returned any of my calls (as always, I have serious flake problems). I suddenly feel like shit, and want to go home. I mention it to my wing, and he is unsympathetic. I go home. On the way, I remember that some people from school are out drinking at a bar that is pretty much on the way. I stop by, and sure enough, they are there. We hang out for about an hour and a half (no sets opened during this time), and take the last T back to Cambridge.

I feel like I'm getting burned out, and have started to feel like this is a shallow pursuit. I think that I need to focus more on making friends, and less on sarging every night. Maybe I should cut back to three nights a week...

Day2s and Comfort

Postmortems
So I had 3 Day2s last week that, while 2 of them were fun, were ultimately unsuccessful. I say unsuccessful because my goal is to get laid more, and I'm not doing that right now. So I'm going to use this blog entry to do a postmortem. I wrote detailed FRs for two of them on the Boston Lair.

The first was with a foreign au pair. She was nice, but the connection wasn't there. I tried building comfort and kino escalating, but she just wasn't all that responsive. To be honest, I wasn't all that attracted to her (I met her over a month ago in a dark club). I think that I might need some heavy hitting shit (read canned material) for situations like this.

The second was with a girl that I met at an event thrown by a website that I use a lot. I met her through a girl I met at another event thrown by the same website. Things went well - I could have gotten the makeout the night I met her, but held out. She was excited for the Day2.

Day2 consisted of us vibing and me kino escalating. I may have told her some shit that convinced her I was crazy. She didn't want to go back to my place, but we did make out for a while at the end of the date. I'm pretty sure there was attraction - possibly there wasn't enough comfort. At the end of the date, she said something like "I had fun," and then went into her house.

I called her the next day, and she didn't respond. Not a good sign. I called again the following Sunday, and left another message. She called back the next day, but didn't leave a message (another bad sign). I called back the next day, and she was pretty cold. Attempted to chat, but she was nonresponsive. Told me that she was meeting a friend for dinner, and that she would call back later. Called back a couple hours later when I was out. Said that she would call back the next day. I didn't really want to prolong this, so I asked her if she wanted to hang out. She said no. I said ok, and we hung up. I probably should have asked her for a postmortem.

My analysis is that I didn't build sufficient comfort before the makeout. Based on her kissing, she doesn't have a lot of experience with relationships. I think that something I did scared her. Maybe I escalated too fast. I'm going to work on my comfort skills.

The third Day2 played a lot of games with me. She wouldn't go back to my place, but then we were making out like rabbits at a lounge in my neighborhood. She was older than me, and needed to be in control. I decided to next her because I'm not sure that I like her as a person. The postmortem on this on is that I need to pull back a bit more with some girls. Make them pursue it, rather than always trying to push forward with the interaction.

Maybe that's the pattern - I should be a bit less direct with my intentions, especially during the Day2.

Comfort Material
To the present, my comfort game has consisted of vibing about random things, including families, aspirations, etc. I'm working with a guy who is into canned material. I'm going to write out some DHV stories and a grounding routine. I figure that it couldn't hurt, and might make comfort easier. My current approach clearly isn't working, although I'm not certain why.

The problem is that I've had <10 D2s since I got into this, versus maybe 1000 approaches. Which makes it difficult to do rigorous analysis on why they aren't succeeding - its all anecdotal. As I continue with this, my D2 conversion rate should get higher.

Update:Densensitization
I had a realization regarding D2s, which is that I'm not desensitized to them. I'm far too reaction seeking and outcome dependent. When it comes to D2s, I definitely have the scarcity mentality. I would guess that this comes across to the girl. During D2s, I have started to escalate as quickly as possible, but I would guess that there is a neediness to it. The girl can tell that I want to get laid, and that is sabotaging my actually getting laid. I would guess that some percentage of girls want to get laid badly enough that they will go along, but most won't. What I need to do is to become desensitized to D2s. I shouldn't care whether I get laid on D2, because it doesn't fucking matter.

One way to do this is to have a lot of dates. I'm pretty sure that this will happen over time. The other thing I should think about is saying no to girls. At some point in the interaction, I sense that I have compliance to escalate the interaction, but rather than doing that, I push back a little bit rather than continuing forward. If I do it right, then the girl will come to me.

I see what they mean when they say that the game is played in comfort. This shit is hard.

The Great Dance

So, this weekend, I had some interesting realizations about pickup. The first was when I was talking to a girl on Thursday. I went in with my opener, "Hey. how's it going?" And, its kind of strange - I can usually tell that the set has hooked as soon as the girl responds. If I have delivered the opener correctly (and there are a frigging lot of ways to say "Hey. How's it going" incorrectly), then the set will hook.

I liked the girl, and I could tell that she liked me. I don't think that we were talking about anything in particular, just vibing. Her friends sat down, and she remained standing, talking to me. The rest of the world pretty much disappeared. After a while, she realized that she had to go and sit down with her friends. So I went off, and talked to some other girls.

We bumped into her group again, when we were walking past another bar. She was very happy to see me, and we started talking again. Her friend started repeating her phone number, and was like, "call her." We talked for another ten or 15 minutes, until her group got into the other bar (the line was pretty long). You should have seen the AMOG who was "with" her glare at me. She gave me her number, and went into the club. Too bad that she lives in New York.

So what was the lesson here? I noticed before that I have trouble opening attractive girls. What I realized was that natural game only works when you are attracted to the girl. A lot of time, I will be talking to a girl, but realize that she isn't "in to" me. We're engaged in conversation, and I'm hooked in, I'm even kino escalating. But, somehow, it isn't working. To tell you the truth, I'm not really into her either. Maybe she isn't my type, or isn't attractive enough. Whatever the case, I'm a bad liar. Girls want you to be into them. And if you are, quite often there is instant attraction. When I think about it, I get better attraction when I'm talking to a hot girl than an average one. From now on, I'm not going to waste my time on girls who I'm not attracted to. It isn't doing anyone any good.

Here's the other thing - pickup is kind of like a dance. During your interaction, you are dancing with a girl, and you have to keep the rhythm. If the dance falters, then the set ends. The dance starts out technical, a lot of steps, and a lot of opportunities to step on her feet or screw up. Eventually, it turns to a slow dance, which is about holding on and making each other feel good.

Now here's the thing - you don't need routines, or anything scripted, so long as you can feel the beat, and keep to the dance. Canned game is kind of like the footprints that you put on the floor when you learn how to dance. Sure, you may look like you are dancing, but you lack a core conception of what is going on underneath it all. You are just running a set of rote footprints, and hoping that it looks like you are dancing. And if you are good enough, it actually does.

But why not just learn how to feel the rhythm, and do the dance on your own?

Iconoclast

Recently, I have become pretty disillusioned with a lot of the gurus out there. They hawk material that is "guaranteed to turbocharge your game," when in reality it is just the same old shit already out there. In the end, you need to go out, make mistakes, and learn from them. If you do that, you will get better. And if you don't, I don't care how much material you read. It isn't going to do shit. Except for making money for these "gurus."

Limiting Beliefs and Approaching SHBs

So last night, I went out with some people for sLICK's birthday. We went out directly from sLICK's place, so I was just wearing a t-shirt and jeans. He gave me a light-up pendant to wear. That pendant got me opened at least twice during the course of the night - I definitely should peacock more.

We headed to Faneuil Hall, and went to dinner. sLICK showed up late because he was busy opening street sets. The guy approaches like a frigging madman. He even used all of the cheesy openers from The Pickup Artist. He managed to get the hostess' number - he is truly an inspiration to watch.

After that, we went to one of the bars in Faneuil Hall. It was almost midnight at this point, and things were going strong. There were seven of us at this point - sLICK, Grim, Seven, Durus, Talker, Urnes Beast, and me. sLICK opened a girl in line by asking where we could find older women. She said, "so you are looking for cougars?" They bantered for a while - she seemed instantly attracted. Once we were inside, he was getting opened left and right.

I opened a few sets. One girl I opened downstairs, but she was heading upstairs. She invited me to come up, and I did. We found her friends, and I started talking to her. There appeared to be a lot of attraction - she was returning kino pretty heavily. I isolated, and at what seemed like an appropriate moment (we were talking about places to hang out near me), I went for the number close. She gave me a BF objection. She said that she was sorry for leading me on, and that she was flattered that guys are still interested. She said that she should get back to her friends (awkward), and the interaction ended. Not sure what I could have done differently in that one.

I had one other set that lasted for a while. I opened a mixed 3-set with a single girl and a couple. Turns out that the couple were friends visiting from out of town. We talked about a bunch of random things - at one point the conversation went to karaoke. The friend heard and jumped in - I should have pulled her into the conversation and befriended her, but I focused on the target. I also missed an opportunity to shift into comfort. The target refused to guess what my favorite karaoke song was. I said "this is personal. You need to tell me something personal about yourself." I then failed to follow up appropriately on that one. A few minutes later, the conversation got stale, and she excused herself to go to the bathroom.

We bounced to another venue, which was crowded and loud. I don't do well at those venues, but I opened a few sets. Should have opened more. sLICK was a madman. I think that I opened six or seven sets over the course of the night. Not really enough, especially because I haven't had a stellar night yet this weekend.

In the end, we headed back to sLICK's place, and debriefed before everyone headed home. Everyone had lots of great advice and tips. It was a late night - I didn't get to bed until like 4:30. I need to get on a more regular sleep schedule (I have been going to bed far too late).

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I realized something important. There are a lot of sets that I'm afraid to open. I don't talk to 9s and 10s - somehow I think that they are special or different. I open mostly 6-8s, and I probably don't even open as many 8s as I should. For some reason, I don't even notice the 9s and 10s - I just discount them and move on. I would be telling myself, "there isn't much to approach." Then I would see sLICK approach a SHB and have a stellar interaction. This seems like it is a form of AA - I don't think that these girls are any more difficult to talk to than anyone else. The last time that I opened a 9, she was friendly, and reacted to me as well as any other girl would (I approached her because there was exactly one set in the bar, and she was in it). I shouldn't be choding out like this any more. From now on, each night I am going to approach at least one set that I perceive as being "completely out of my league." Hopefully this will get rid of that limiting belief.

So I did manage to isolate one girl, which means that I am succeeding at my process goals. It wasn't hard - I just told her that the place we were was noisy and crowded, and moved her elsewhere. Worked like a charm. Now I need to befriend the obstacles before I isolate.

Isolationism

So I think that my current sticking point is that I don't effectively isolate. I lock in, and then keep running the set without moving the target. I often run the set for quite some time, but I am unable to get the compliance/attraction that I am going for. I think that it comes down to me not isolating.

The other night, I noticed that after we bounced to a new venue, my target was significantly more compliant. I have also noticed that all of my makeouts came after I actively isolated. The act of isolating seems to build attraction.

Last night, I ran a set for about 45 minutes, and got a number close, but I couldn't get "sufficient" attraction despite kino escalation. When I come back to it, she was around her friends (who were guys), and not only were they a distraction, but they probably inhibited her as well. Had I isolated, I probably could have escalated as well.

I had another set that probably ran 30 minutes or so. Her friends were a significant distraction, and eventually pulled her away. I think that isolating helps to eliminate some of the distractions, and gets the girl more focused on you.

The moral of the story is that I need to isolate. I think that I have achieved my goal of going out alone, so I can move on to a new challenge.

My new goal is to actively isolate at least 15 girls. It doesn't count if the friends go somewhere else - I need to move her. Or rather, I'll say that I need to attempt to move 15 girls. This is about improving the process, instead of worrying about the outcome.

Inconsistency

One of the things that bothers me the most is how inconsistent I am. When I'm on, I'm fucking ON. Nothing can touch me - I attract women even when I'm not trying. Last Thursday, I went to an improv show, and managed to get a kiss and a number from the girl sitting next to me (I fucked up the bounce, but that's another story). Some of the other guys in my improv class noticed, and were seriously impressed. Not that I care what anyone else thinks, but I couldn't have done that just a few months ago.

And when I'm off, well, I can open ten sets and not really hook any of them. I keep going, but it still gets to me. I get mad at the world, at my friends, at other guys, at my family. It affects my performance at work, and all of my other interactions. On some level, I know that its just in my head, and will pass, but its hard nonetheless. That's the problem with natural game. Its all about what's going on inside, and when the inside is a little bit off, so is the outside.

The interesting thing is that it permeates through my life. When I'm doing well in field, I'm also a happy, social person. When I'm not, I'm probably in my shell and avoiding interactions as much as possible. I think that the solution is that I need to focus more on inner game. I've been doing some meditation, and I think that it helps a lot. Let's see what else I can find...