1) It doesn't fucking matter.
2) Excellence is inevitable.
1 year ago
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Mastery and the Quick Fix Mentality
Its kind of interesting - a lot of guys get into the community and expect to get good at this overnight. A lot of times, a guy posts a thread about how he is going to go out every night and get good. A lot of times, we never hear from that guy again. Or he goes at it for a few days or weeks, and then drops out. Maybe he figures it out later on, and comes back into it with the right mentality.
The Road to Mastery
When I look at most of the guys out there who have gotten good, I see a long path to Mastery. it seems pretty consistent that guys go out for six months to a year without any appreciable results. Maybe they get a lay or two, a few Day2s, and some makeouts. But things aren't really clicking, and most of the numbers flake. Then things sort of click, and they get some sort of regular lays. Maybe once a month for a year or so. Its still taking a lot more effort than they could ever imagine, and the quality of the lay is a lot lower than what they want. Then things click again, and things get more regular. Maybe they get five lays a month, or maybe they are able to go out a lot less and get the same results as before. Gradually, their skills improve.
I started reading "Mastery" by George Leonard again. I appreciate it even more reading it for like the third time. Its a quick read - I think that I'll try to reread it every couple of months. Interesting how when you read a book or listen to a product a second time, you get a lot of stuff that you missed the first time around. I listened to an audio product twice in succession, and was amazed by how much I missed when I listened to it for the first time.
A Summary of My Progress Thus Far
I'm pretty sure that I'm currently at my second plateau of development. When I started with this, I couldn't make good eye contact with a woman or hold a conversation for more than a minute or two. I couldn't hook a set off of a cold approach if my life depended on it. I started going out (opening with jealous girlfriend), and blew out every set for the first two weeks or so. I was overjoyed when I finally started to hook sets. I remember my first hooked set, at Vox. I started talking to two twin sisters, and happened to hook the engaged one.
Over the first couple of months, I made progress, until I could hold a set for five minutes. I still got nervous, and often ran out of things to say. I would occasionally number close, but not all that often. At month two, I took a bootcamp. I realized two things:
1) Canned openers are completely unnecessary (once you know how to open)
2) I wasn't using nearly enough kino
On bootcamp, I had my first ever club makeout. In the week after my bootcamp, I got a couple of lays. Unfortunately, my bubble burst, and I was unceremoniously dumped back where I started. So I basically began over again with opening, and got to the point where I could reliably open with "Hey. How's it going?" I started number closing a lot more, although most of those were flakes.
At this point, things stayed steady for a while. Sets were going ok. I was getting a few Day2s, but not too many. I kept going out a lot, and upped it to around five nights a week. Then one day, I figured out eye contact. I realized that you can gauge how much a girl likes you by how much eye contact she is making. And holding eye contact with her is a good way to build attraction. When you go into a set and a girl holds eye contact with you from the start, you can escalate almost immediately (this has led to some fast k-closes and makeouts).
The next realization I had was that I was opening a lot of sets who didn't interest me. Sure I was going out five nights a week and opening 10+ sets on at least three of those five nights, but there were a lot of 5s and 6s, and not too many 9s and 10s. I was holding myself back by not approaching the girls who I was really attracted to. I resolved to open fewer sets, but to make them really count. Natural attraction game works best on girls who you are genuinely attracted to.
Then I burned out. Maybe it was the lack of sleep due to going out almost every night, or maybe it was the frustration from having almost all of my numbers flake, but something needed to change. I decided to cut back my night game to three nights a week, and to do more day game. I focused less on getting numbers, and more on the quality of interaction. I went to some social events, and noticed that I see these in a completely different way. I can be the center of attention, where previously I was always the guy on the fringes of the conversation.
In night game, I do pretty well (at least relative to where I started). I open girls who are genuinely attractive to me, and don't have problems holding conversation. I do often get bored with the girls after a while, which is probably a symptom of me needing stronger conversation skills. I have a couple of good wings who I enjoy going out with, although my wing population has been in flux recently. For the first time, I find myself going out with guys who are more experienced with me, as well as some guys who are newer (I guess that I'm not a complete newbie any more).
So I feel like I'm on a plateau. Not sure where I need to go next. I think that I need to add back some kino to my game (I feel like I have backed off a bit recently), and focus on pushing interactions further. I feel like I can hold interactions, but am not necessarily getting enough attraction. I actually think that I am going to try working on some canned material and DHV stories (I have built up a decent grounding routine, and have had pretty good results).
I'm happy to say that its still fun, and that I enjoy going out most of the time. Five months in, things are going well.
The Road to Mastery
When I look at most of the guys out there who have gotten good, I see a long path to Mastery. it seems pretty consistent that guys go out for six months to a year without any appreciable results. Maybe they get a lay or two, a few Day2s, and some makeouts. But things aren't really clicking, and most of the numbers flake. Then things sort of click, and they get some sort of regular lays. Maybe once a month for a year or so. Its still taking a lot more effort than they could ever imagine, and the quality of the lay is a lot lower than what they want. Then things click again, and things get more regular. Maybe they get five lays a month, or maybe they are able to go out a lot less and get the same results as before. Gradually, their skills improve.
I started reading "Mastery" by George Leonard again. I appreciate it even more reading it for like the third time. Its a quick read - I think that I'll try to reread it every couple of months. Interesting how when you read a book or listen to a product a second time, you get a lot of stuff that you missed the first time around. I listened to an audio product twice in succession, and was amazed by how much I missed when I listened to it for the first time.
A Summary of My Progress Thus Far
I'm pretty sure that I'm currently at my second plateau of development. When I started with this, I couldn't make good eye contact with a woman or hold a conversation for more than a minute or two. I couldn't hook a set off of a cold approach if my life depended on it. I started going out (opening with jealous girlfriend), and blew out every set for the first two weeks or so. I was overjoyed when I finally started to hook sets. I remember my first hooked set, at Vox. I started talking to two twin sisters, and happened to hook the engaged one.
Over the first couple of months, I made progress, until I could hold a set for five minutes. I still got nervous, and often ran out of things to say. I would occasionally number close, but not all that often. At month two, I took a bootcamp. I realized two things:
1) Canned openers are completely unnecessary (once you know how to open)
2) I wasn't using nearly enough kino
On bootcamp, I had my first ever club makeout. In the week after my bootcamp, I got a couple of lays. Unfortunately, my bubble burst, and I was unceremoniously dumped back where I started. So I basically began over again with opening, and got to the point where I could reliably open with "Hey. How's it going?" I started number closing a lot more, although most of those were flakes.
At this point, things stayed steady for a while. Sets were going ok. I was getting a few Day2s, but not too many. I kept going out a lot, and upped it to around five nights a week. Then one day, I figured out eye contact. I realized that you can gauge how much a girl likes you by how much eye contact she is making. And holding eye contact with her is a good way to build attraction. When you go into a set and a girl holds eye contact with you from the start, you can escalate almost immediately (this has led to some fast k-closes and makeouts).
The next realization I had was that I was opening a lot of sets who didn't interest me. Sure I was going out five nights a week and opening 10+ sets on at least three of those five nights, but there were a lot of 5s and 6s, and not too many 9s and 10s. I was holding myself back by not approaching the girls who I was really attracted to. I resolved to open fewer sets, but to make them really count. Natural attraction game works best on girls who you are genuinely attracted to.
Then I burned out. Maybe it was the lack of sleep due to going out almost every night, or maybe it was the frustration from having almost all of my numbers flake, but something needed to change. I decided to cut back my night game to three nights a week, and to do more day game. I focused less on getting numbers, and more on the quality of interaction. I went to some social events, and noticed that I see these in a completely different way. I can be the center of attention, where previously I was always the guy on the fringes of the conversation.
In night game, I do pretty well (at least relative to where I started). I open girls who are genuinely attractive to me, and don't have problems holding conversation. I do often get bored with the girls after a while, which is probably a symptom of me needing stronger conversation skills. I have a couple of good wings who I enjoy going out with, although my wing population has been in flux recently. For the first time, I find myself going out with guys who are more experienced with me, as well as some guys who are newer (I guess that I'm not a complete newbie any more).
So I feel like I'm on a plateau. Not sure where I need to go next. I think that I need to add back some kino to my game (I feel like I have backed off a bit recently), and focus on pushing interactions further. I feel like I can hold interactions, but am not necessarily getting enough attraction. I actually think that I am going to try working on some canned material and DHV stories (I have built up a decent grounding routine, and have had pretty good results).
I'm happy to say that its still fun, and that I enjoy going out most of the time. Five months in, things are going well.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Escalation
So I've had some interesting realizations since my last post. The first is that I don't open enough sets when I go out. I've definitely been opening less. The good news is that I open girls who I am attracted to, but the bad news is that I have reduced my opening frequency. I either need to drop my standards or frequent venues with more attractive girls.
The other thing I'm realizing is that I'm still too timid in escalating. This comes out both in my dates and in my sets.
Opening
Last night, I only opened three sets or so. I did wing a bunch more (including one UG with bad breath whose friend my wing wasn't attracted to), and spent most of my time in set, but still, I didn't open 5-10 sets like I used to. I think that I need to state my goals and follow through with them. From now on, I'm going to set goals at the beginning of the night, verbalize them to my wings, and follow through. I think that I also need a night alone every once in a while. Maybe 1 night every two weeks can be a solo night with 10+ opens.
Escalating
So today I had a D3 with a girl who I met about a week ago. The D2 was an improv show and then a drink. I kinoed throughout the interaction, and got a solid kiss on the lips at the end. She invited me into her place, but her roommates were there, which made it hard to escalate. So I kissed her, and we had D3 today. I had her meet me near my neighborhood, and we went out to lunch. Afterwards, we went back to my place, and ended up in my room. I kissed her, and got a solid kiss on the lips. She went to the bathroom, and when she came back, I kissed her, and a short makeout resulted. She then wanted to see some pictures that I had - I had her sit on my lap and showed them to her. My hand nuzzled her breast - she didn't seem at all uncomfortable about this. When that was over, she told me that she had to go meet her mother in an hour, so she had to leave (she told me about this at the beginning of the date, but I'm not sure about the timing). I walked her back to the T. She didn't seem to want to kiss goodbye, but she has told me repeatedly that PDAs disgust her. Not entirely sure where this is going. I'll see whether D comes up.
My post-mortem is that when she was sitting on my lap, I should have lifted her up at some point and thrown her on the bed. I probably wasn't dominant enough, and this may have hurt me. I had one other situation where I had a girl sitting in my lap, and nothing at all happened that time. I think that I look for implicit approval to move on to the next stage, when I should be escalating until the girl resists. She clearly wasn't resisting any of my advances - she just wasn't 100% compliant. In the future, I need to push every interaction.
Thinking back to last night, I should have been kino escalating more in my sets. I was attracted to the girls, but didn't kino escalate much (for some reason, I felt stifled about escalating). I need to fix that moving forward.
Day Game
What is this? Yes, a bonus section. Went to the GSF yesterday, and helped some new guys open sets during the day. We were going direct on girls in a crowded urban area. There were lots of really attractive girls, and we opened a lot of them. One of the new guys who I was working with did a great job of opening lots of sets - I think that he got three numbers. I got a number from a girl who was locking up her bike. Learned some things about the logistics of going direct - if you stop a girl in an inconvenient place, you need to move her right away to a better logistical situation. I went direct on a girl right as she was walking into a store. She stopped and we chatted for a minute, but after a little while she walked into the store because she was blocking the entrance and felt awkward. I should have kept walking as I opened her, and continued the conversation in the store. Another direct approach was on a girl sitting down with headphones on. I got her to talk for a minute, but I needed to sit down to seriously continue the conversation (and I didn't).
The conclusion is that it is a lot more fun to work during the day than I previously imagined. Going direct on girls is a lot of fun, and you get much better responses than you would expect (most of them are flattered rather than being creeped out). I just need to get better at quickly going for the number close.
I think that my new heroes are Paul Janka and Smallville (both masters of the direct daytime approach).
The other thing I'm realizing is that I'm still too timid in escalating. This comes out both in my dates and in my sets.
Opening
Last night, I only opened three sets or so. I did wing a bunch more (including one UG with bad breath whose friend my wing wasn't attracted to), and spent most of my time in set, but still, I didn't open 5-10 sets like I used to. I think that I need to state my goals and follow through with them. From now on, I'm going to set goals at the beginning of the night, verbalize them to my wings, and follow through. I think that I also need a night alone every once in a while. Maybe 1 night every two weeks can be a solo night with 10+ opens.
Escalating
So today I had a D3 with a girl who I met about a week ago. The D2 was an improv show and then a drink. I kinoed throughout the interaction, and got a solid kiss on the lips at the end. She invited me into her place, but her roommates were there, which made it hard to escalate. So I kissed her, and we had D3 today. I had her meet me near my neighborhood, and we went out to lunch. Afterwards, we went back to my place, and ended up in my room. I kissed her, and got a solid kiss on the lips. She went to the bathroom, and when she came back, I kissed her, and a short makeout resulted. She then wanted to see some pictures that I had - I had her sit on my lap and showed them to her. My hand nuzzled her breast - she didn't seem at all uncomfortable about this. When that was over, she told me that she had to go meet her mother in an hour, so she had to leave (she told me about this at the beginning of the date, but I'm not sure about the timing). I walked her back to the T. She didn't seem to want to kiss goodbye, but she has told me repeatedly that PDAs disgust her. Not entirely sure where this is going. I'll see whether D comes up.
My post-mortem is that when she was sitting on my lap, I should have lifted her up at some point and thrown her on the bed. I probably wasn't dominant enough, and this may have hurt me. I had one other situation where I had a girl sitting in my lap, and nothing at all happened that time. I think that I look for implicit approval to move on to the next stage, when I should be escalating until the girl resists. She clearly wasn't resisting any of my advances - she just wasn't 100% compliant. In the future, I need to push every interaction.
Thinking back to last night, I should have been kino escalating more in my sets. I was attracted to the girls, but didn't kino escalate much (for some reason, I felt stifled about escalating). I need to fix that moving forward.
Day Game
What is this? Yes, a bonus section. Went to the GSF yesterday, and helped some new guys open sets during the day. We were going direct on girls in a crowded urban area. There were lots of really attractive girls, and we opened a lot of them. One of the new guys who I was working with did a great job of opening lots of sets - I think that he got three numbers. I got a number from a girl who was locking up her bike. Learned some things about the logistics of going direct - if you stop a girl in an inconvenient place, you need to move her right away to a better logistical situation. I went direct on a girl right as she was walking into a store. She stopped and we chatted for a minute, but after a little while she walked into the store because she was blocking the entrance and felt awkward. I should have kept walking as I opened her, and continued the conversation in the store. Another direct approach was on a girl sitting down with headphones on. I got her to talk for a minute, but I needed to sit down to seriously continue the conversation (and I didn't).
The conclusion is that it is a lot more fun to work during the day than I previously imagined. Going direct on girls is a lot of fun, and you get much better responses than you would expect (most of them are flattered rather than being creeped out). I just need to get better at quickly going for the number close.
I think that my new heroes are Paul Janka and Smallville (both masters of the direct daytime approach).
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Frustration
So I don't really know where I'm going with this. For the past week, I have backed off of the sarging. I have run a bit of day game, a bunch of social events. It has been somewhat different from going out a lot at night - not necessarily better, but different. Definitely no AA when I go to talk to pretty much anyone.
I started talking to a girl on the T yesterday. She was super receptive - turns out that she is in the process of moving here. I tentatively set up plans to hang out today. I called her and texted a few times (she always responded really quickly to the texts - when I called she was with the realtor). For some reason, the date flaked. I think that the logistics were bad. Probably not enough comfort, combined with strange logistics.
I went to a social event today. A few of the girls were cute. One girl who I went out on a date with once was there. It's always awkward when that happens - we said hi, but not much else. She was nice, but just not interesting or cute enough for me to want to go out with her again (I would say she was a 5). There were probably more guys than girls, but I thought that the majority of the guys were pretty hopeless. Some of them were really awkward, and would latch onto you and keep talking. They don't seem to understand girls or social interactions - they actually seemed to mostly talk to guys.
I felt like I was doing ok, but not superb. Talked to pretty much all of the cutest girls who were there, with the exception of one. I got into fairly meaningful conversations with a few of the girls (I had one girl hooked in pretty hard for a while), but it didn't turn into any numbers. I got blown out from the best interaction when a really awkward dude came in and then latched onto me. I didn't want to blow him out, and I couldn't think of a way to subtly drop him.
I would start talking to some of the girls, and after several minutes they would want to work the room more. I don't know whether that was because I was uninteresting, or just because their social instincts were at work. Probably a little of both. One solution may be to meet one girl, and then to take her around the room, introducing her to everyone (but being careful to control the interaction). I kinoed one girl lightly, and she blew me out for that (she was tactful about it - if I hadn't known more, I wouldn't have been able to figure out what happened). It was interesting - one lesson is that you don't kino in social game.
I think that I will eventually figure out and master this game.
As for the Day Game, I need to do more. From now on, I'm going to open two sets every day.
I started talking to a girl on the T yesterday. She was super receptive - turns out that she is in the process of moving here. I tentatively set up plans to hang out today. I called her and texted a few times (she always responded really quickly to the texts - when I called she was with the realtor). For some reason, the date flaked. I think that the logistics were bad. Probably not enough comfort, combined with strange logistics.
I went to a social event today. A few of the girls were cute. One girl who I went out on a date with once was there. It's always awkward when that happens - we said hi, but not much else. She was nice, but just not interesting or cute enough for me to want to go out with her again (I would say she was a 5). There were probably more guys than girls, but I thought that the majority of the guys were pretty hopeless. Some of them were really awkward, and would latch onto you and keep talking. They don't seem to understand girls or social interactions - they actually seemed to mostly talk to guys.
I felt like I was doing ok, but not superb. Talked to pretty much all of the cutest girls who were there, with the exception of one. I got into fairly meaningful conversations with a few of the girls (I had one girl hooked in pretty hard for a while), but it didn't turn into any numbers. I got blown out from the best interaction when a really awkward dude came in and then latched onto me. I didn't want to blow him out, and I couldn't think of a way to subtly drop him.
I would start talking to some of the girls, and after several minutes they would want to work the room more. I don't know whether that was because I was uninteresting, or just because their social instincts were at work. Probably a little of both. One solution may be to meet one girl, and then to take her around the room, introducing her to everyone (but being careful to control the interaction). I kinoed one girl lightly, and she blew me out for that (she was tactful about it - if I hadn't known more, I wouldn't have been able to figure out what happened). It was interesting - one lesson is that you don't kino in social game.
I think that I will eventually figure out and master this game.
As for the Day Game, I need to do more. From now on, I'm going to open two sets every day.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Fuck Balance
So I have been thinking a lot about having balance in my life, and I think that its overrated. I don't need balance - what I need is to be happy. And what makes me happy is obsessive devotion to whatever it is that I love doing at the moment. I am never going to be a centered person - I should just accept that and move on.
I think that its important to have the things that make you happy, and those are friends, family, and something that you really want to wake up each morning to do. Everything else can go fuck itself. When you look at a lot of overachievers, they aren't balanced people. They pour themselves into a limited number of pursuits, and drive out better and better results. When they master something, they can move on. No one ever achieved mastery by being a hobbyist.
I feel like a lot of people take up pickup as a hobby, but it can't be. Pickup has to be one of the main things in your life, at least if you really want to get good. I think that my things right now are:
1) Work - my internship. I need to do enough to get by. That needs to be slightly more than I am doing right now.
2) Professional Development - I'm in grad school to build connections. I need to be going to events, and working on some startup ideas so that I can actually get things off the ground when I graduate.
3) Socializing - I'm going to aim to go to one social event a week. There should be new people there. I will also go to improv class for the rest of the summer. I will also try to go to a social event for grad school every two weeks for the rest of the summer, and every week thereafter.
4) Pickup - Three to four nights a week (and no more). I am also going to do at least one day approach on the days I don't go out.
Word.
I think that its important to have the things that make you happy, and those are friends, family, and something that you really want to wake up each morning to do. Everything else can go fuck itself. When you look at a lot of overachievers, they aren't balanced people. They pour themselves into a limited number of pursuits, and drive out better and better results. When they master something, they can move on. No one ever achieved mastery by being a hobbyist.
I feel like a lot of people take up pickup as a hobby, but it can't be. Pickup has to be one of the main things in your life, at least if you really want to get good. I think that my things right now are:
1) Work - my internship. I need to do enough to get by. That needs to be slightly more than I am doing right now.
2) Professional Development - I'm in grad school to build connections. I need to be going to events, and working on some startup ideas so that I can actually get things off the ground when I graduate.
3) Socializing - I'm going to aim to go to one social event a week. There should be new people there. I will also go to improv class for the rest of the summer. I will also try to go to a social event for grad school every two weeks for the rest of the summer, and every week thereafter.
4) Pickup - Three to four nights a week (and no more). I am also going to do at least one day approach on the days I don't go out.
Word.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Burnout
Ok. I'm officially burned out on pickup for the short term. Too much drama, and I need to recharge. I definitely fit into the "obsessive" pattern from the mastery book. I think that I'm going to take a few days off and see how I feel after that. If that doesn't help, I'll take two weeks and then reassess.
Friday, July 11, 2008
We Interrupt This Broadcast For a Brief Word From Our Sponsors...
So, before you start reading, I need to warn you that this post is not about pickup. It is one of those "Deconstructing _____" posts that pop up every once in a while on any pickup-related blog. It seems logical that anyone who is trying to master social interactions would occasionally swing the microscope onto his own life. I try to keep these to a minimum, because I don't know how much value they actually give to either myself or to anyone who happens to read this. In this case, I think that its justified.
So, for the past several months, pickup has pretty much consumed my life. I go out sarging 5 or more nights a week, and when I'm not out, I'm thinking of it. I check the Boston Lair about every five minutes, and am pretty much bouncing between blogs, looking for more information. In short, this has become my obsession du jour. I tend to do this. I pick something out, and devote all of my time to it
A Brief History of My Obsessions
My most recent pre-pickup obsession was biking. I had always enjoyed biking, but about two years ago, I started biking 50 miles to work two or three days a week. Then I started riding centuries on the weekends, and finally I started riding double centuries. My weekly mileage ranged from 200 miles (on a light week) to 350+ (I once had a 400 mile week). I rode four double centuries in 2006, and one in 2007. The only reason I didn't do more was that I moved from California to Massachusetts, and the biking here isn't as good. Plus, it was kind of wearing thin.
Spending 15-20 hours a week on my bike definitely ate into my free time, and when you take into account the increased amount of sleep that I needed, I pretty much biked, worked, and spent the occasional evening/weekend with my girlfriend. I think that I used it to escape from reality. I had a job that just wasn't doing it for me (even though most people would have killed for it), and a relationship that was uninspired at best (it was fine, but I didn't want just fine). For that year, I dedicated myself to applying to grad school and biking, and it worked just fine. My life itself was kind of in a holding pattern...
Change (or the lack thereof)
Last summer, I moved east to start grad school (my program is two full years - June to June). I made all of the same mistakes that I always make. I pretty much focused on my academic work, spending a lot less time than I should have on socializing. I made a few friends, but not as many as I would have liked to, and I don't think that I spent enough time nurturing these friendships. In the end, I did well academically, which doesn't really matter in grad school, and felt that I missed the boat socially. Also, I broke up with my long-term girlfriend, which was probably good for everyone involved.
In the fall, I took a class that consumed about 20 hours of my time every week. When combined with the other 50+ hours of work that I had for my other classes, my social life was again toast. I did go out, but I didn't really form the social relationships that I wanted. I kind of avoided the things that were painful, and as a result, didn't develop in the ways that I wanted to.
Rock Bottom
I would say that I hit rock bottom around January or February. I spent a month travelling with my program, and didn't really feel like I connected with anyone new. I have about two friends in my program, and maybe made one or two more, but I really fell short. I didn't feel like I fit in, and over time I started to get really depressed (the cold weather and short days didn't help). I felt like I was powerless. During the last week in February, I went back to SF. I bumped into my ex-girlfriend, and she actively ignored me. For some reason, that really got to me. I hung out with some good friends, but I was a mess inside. About this time, I found the Boston Lair.
A Seed Sprouts (or does it)...
I went to my first meeting, and threw myself into it. I started going out three nights a week, and then four. I spent less time going to school events, and mostly just went out with my wings. When school ended, I pumped that up to five or six nights. I have seen a fair amount of improvement, both in my success with women and my social skills in general. But I'm not where I want to be yet, and not sure how I'm going to get there.
I was talking to a good friend last weekend, and we had an interesting conversation. This guy is not in the community, and I wouldn't say that he is successful with women by any means. However, he isn't interested in this stuff, and views it as being a fairly cynical perspective on life. We have talked about this a fair amount over the past few months. We hung out for the day, and took a long road trip. He talked about his life, and I talked about my life. We gave each other feedback, that while not overly critical, was definitely candid. His read on this was that this is just another of my obsessions. I have to admit that he is correct on this one. The problem is that this is a diagnosis, and not a solution.
Let's go over my medium and long-term goals (not necessarily in any particular order)
My Goals
1) Learn how to attract women
2) Learn how to become an attractive person who has lots of friends
3) Sleep with enough women to satisfy my urge for sexual partners
4) Build a good social network
5) Start a company and have business success
6) Build a balanced life with several rewarding pursuits
7) Get married and start a family
8) Become financially independent (to the point where I work when I choose)
8) Write and publish a book
Of these, I would say that 1, 2, and 6 are the keys to my long-term success and the accomplishment of the rest of my goals. Right now, I would say that I am working on 1, and to a lesser extent, 2. Number 6 is probably the hardest.
Balance
Why is balance so hard for me? I think that its just not in my nature. I don't think that we are evolutionarily tuned for balance - it is definitely a post-modern problem. I like throwing myself into something and obsessing over it. Regardless, I need to learn how to do it. The problem is, how do I do this? I have done all of the reading on time management - I just haven't successfully implemented it (at least in the long-term).
Strategy Moving Forward
I think that I could spend hours writing about this, and I probably will in the future. I think that my strategy should be to set a goal for pickup, and to spend a specified amount of time doing that. Then, I will pick something off of my list (perhaps start a company), and spend a specified amount of time on that. I will work on dedicating time to an activity, and not getting distracted by something else. If I can juggle, work, pickup, and one other pursuit successfully, I think that I can learn to split any three pursuits. And I think that three simultaneous pursuits should be sufficient for anyone.
More on this later...
So, for the past several months, pickup has pretty much consumed my life. I go out sarging 5 or more nights a week, and when I'm not out, I'm thinking of it. I check the Boston Lair about every five minutes, and am pretty much bouncing between blogs, looking for more information. In short, this has become my obsession du jour. I tend to do this. I pick something out, and devote all of my time to it
A Brief History of My Obsessions
My most recent pre-pickup obsession was biking. I had always enjoyed biking, but about two years ago, I started biking 50 miles to work two or three days a week. Then I started riding centuries on the weekends, and finally I started riding double centuries. My weekly mileage ranged from 200 miles (on a light week) to 350+ (I once had a 400 mile week). I rode four double centuries in 2006, and one in 2007. The only reason I didn't do more was that I moved from California to Massachusetts, and the biking here isn't as good. Plus, it was kind of wearing thin.
Spending 15-20 hours a week on my bike definitely ate into my free time, and when you take into account the increased amount of sleep that I needed, I pretty much biked, worked, and spent the occasional evening/weekend with my girlfriend. I think that I used it to escape from reality. I had a job that just wasn't doing it for me (even though most people would have killed for it), and a relationship that was uninspired at best (it was fine, but I didn't want just fine). For that year, I dedicated myself to applying to grad school and biking, and it worked just fine. My life itself was kind of in a holding pattern...
Change (or the lack thereof)
Last summer, I moved east to start grad school (my program is two full years - June to June). I made all of the same mistakes that I always make. I pretty much focused on my academic work, spending a lot less time than I should have on socializing. I made a few friends, but not as many as I would have liked to, and I don't think that I spent enough time nurturing these friendships. In the end, I did well academically, which doesn't really matter in grad school, and felt that I missed the boat socially. Also, I broke up with my long-term girlfriend, which was probably good for everyone involved.
In the fall, I took a class that consumed about 20 hours of my time every week. When combined with the other 50+ hours of work that I had for my other classes, my social life was again toast. I did go out, but I didn't really form the social relationships that I wanted. I kind of avoided the things that were painful, and as a result, didn't develop in the ways that I wanted to.
Rock Bottom
I would say that I hit rock bottom around January or February. I spent a month travelling with my program, and didn't really feel like I connected with anyone new. I have about two friends in my program, and maybe made one or two more, but I really fell short. I didn't feel like I fit in, and over time I started to get really depressed (the cold weather and short days didn't help). I felt like I was powerless. During the last week in February, I went back to SF. I bumped into my ex-girlfriend, and she actively ignored me. For some reason, that really got to me. I hung out with some good friends, but I was a mess inside. About this time, I found the Boston Lair.
A Seed Sprouts (or does it)...
I went to my first meeting, and threw myself into it. I started going out three nights a week, and then four. I spent less time going to school events, and mostly just went out with my wings. When school ended, I pumped that up to five or six nights. I have seen a fair amount of improvement, both in my success with women and my social skills in general. But I'm not where I want to be yet, and not sure how I'm going to get there.
I was talking to a good friend last weekend, and we had an interesting conversation. This guy is not in the community, and I wouldn't say that he is successful with women by any means. However, he isn't interested in this stuff, and views it as being a fairly cynical perspective on life. We have talked about this a fair amount over the past few months. We hung out for the day, and took a long road trip. He talked about his life, and I talked about my life. We gave each other feedback, that while not overly critical, was definitely candid. His read on this was that this is just another of my obsessions. I have to admit that he is correct on this one. The problem is that this is a diagnosis, and not a solution.
Let's go over my medium and long-term goals (not necessarily in any particular order)
My Goals
1) Learn how to attract women
2) Learn how to become an attractive person who has lots of friends
3) Sleep with enough women to satisfy my urge for sexual partners
4) Build a good social network
5) Start a company and have business success
6) Build a balanced life with several rewarding pursuits
7) Get married and start a family
8) Become financially independent (to the point where I work when I choose)
8) Write and publish a book
Of these, I would say that 1, 2, and 6 are the keys to my long-term success and the accomplishment of the rest of my goals. Right now, I would say that I am working on 1, and to a lesser extent, 2. Number 6 is probably the hardest.
Balance
Why is balance so hard for me? I think that its just not in my nature. I don't think that we are evolutionarily tuned for balance - it is definitely a post-modern problem. I like throwing myself into something and obsessing over it. Regardless, I need to learn how to do it. The problem is, how do I do this? I have done all of the reading on time management - I just haven't successfully implemented it (at least in the long-term).
Strategy Moving Forward
I think that I could spend hours writing about this, and I probably will in the future. I think that my strategy should be to set a goal for pickup, and to spend a specified amount of time doing that. Then, I will pick something off of my list (perhaps start a company), and spend a specified amount of time on that. I will work on dedicating time to an activity, and not getting distracted by something else. If I can juggle, work, pickup, and one other pursuit successfully, I think that I can learn to split any three pursuits. And I think that three simultaneous pursuits should be sufficient for anyone.
More on this later...
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Last Night
Self-Pity
So, last night I went out with one of my wings. This was the second time in as many nights that I went out, but really wasn't into it. I have kind of been on a self-pitying streak recently. I think that it goes back to taking rejection personally. For some reason, I have become desensitized to having my approaches rejected, but there is something completely different about screwing up a Day2. At least there is in my mind.
Validation
So I was thinking about whether it is possible to be completely internally validated. I think this is one of those things that the community perpetuates, but it seems like an impossible ideal. You need some external validation to be happy, at least in the long term. Sure, its possible to bootstrap, and to make yourself immune to short-term shifts in external validation, but most happy people have good things going on in their lives. The only people I can think of who are completely internally validated are monks. If everyone became a monk, then our society and ultimately our species would die out. Therefore, I think that there is some sort of evolutionary advantage to being externally validated, and it is genetically ingrained into us. At least that's my crackpot theory of the day (fun with evolutionary biology).
Mini-FR
Anyways, we bounced around, and opened some sets. I had one that went ok, although I wasn't so into the girl and they were ready to leave. She was touching my shirt though, so I think she was interested. This gorilla comes up to me (he is probably twice as wide as I am) and tells me that the girl is dating his friend. I'm like, that's fine. I wasn't doing anything inappropriate, so I have nothing to be ashamed of. I wonder why this happens - I wonder whether she has cheated on her boyfriend before. Its shit like this that actually makes me not care whether a girl has a boyfriend.
We go to this place where we have been before. My wing starts talking to this UG outside who had some decent-looking friends. I get inside, and notice that there is a girl in there who I number closed last week, but who hasn't returned any of my calls (as always, I have serious flake problems). I suddenly feel like shit, and want to go home. I mention it to my wing, and he is unsympathetic. I go home. On the way, I remember that some people from school are out drinking at a bar that is pretty much on the way. I stop by, and sure enough, they are there. We hang out for about an hour and a half (no sets opened during this time), and take the last T back to Cambridge.
I feel like I'm getting burned out, and have started to feel like this is a shallow pursuit. I think that I need to focus more on making friends, and less on sarging every night. Maybe I should cut back to three nights a week...
So, last night I went out with one of my wings. This was the second time in as many nights that I went out, but really wasn't into it. I have kind of been on a self-pitying streak recently. I think that it goes back to taking rejection personally. For some reason, I have become desensitized to having my approaches rejected, but there is something completely different about screwing up a Day2. At least there is in my mind.
Validation
So I was thinking about whether it is possible to be completely internally validated. I think this is one of those things that the community perpetuates, but it seems like an impossible ideal. You need some external validation to be happy, at least in the long term. Sure, its possible to bootstrap, and to make yourself immune to short-term shifts in external validation, but most happy people have good things going on in their lives. The only people I can think of who are completely internally validated are monks. If everyone became a monk, then our society and ultimately our species would die out. Therefore, I think that there is some sort of evolutionary advantage to being externally validated, and it is genetically ingrained into us. At least that's my crackpot theory of the day (fun with evolutionary biology).
Mini-FR
Anyways, we bounced around, and opened some sets. I had one that went ok, although I wasn't so into the girl and they were ready to leave. She was touching my shirt though, so I think she was interested. This gorilla comes up to me (he is probably twice as wide as I am) and tells me that the girl is dating his friend. I'm like, that's fine. I wasn't doing anything inappropriate, so I have nothing to be ashamed of. I wonder why this happens - I wonder whether she has cheated on her boyfriend before. Its shit like this that actually makes me not care whether a girl has a boyfriend.
We go to this place where we have been before. My wing starts talking to this UG outside who had some decent-looking friends. I get inside, and notice that there is a girl in there who I number closed last week, but who hasn't returned any of my calls (as always, I have serious flake problems). I suddenly feel like shit, and want to go home. I mention it to my wing, and he is unsympathetic. I go home. On the way, I remember that some people from school are out drinking at a bar that is pretty much on the way. I stop by, and sure enough, they are there. We hang out for about an hour and a half (no sets opened during this time), and take the last T back to Cambridge.
I feel like I'm getting burned out, and have started to feel like this is a shallow pursuit. I think that I need to focus more on making friends, and less on sarging every night. Maybe I should cut back to three nights a week...
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Day2s and Comfort
Postmortems
So I had 3 Day2s last week that, while 2 of them were fun, were ultimately unsuccessful. I say unsuccessful because my goal is to get laid more, and I'm not doing that right now. So I'm going to use this blog entry to do a postmortem. I wrote detailed FRs for two of them on the Boston Lair.
The first was with a foreign au pair. She was nice, but the connection wasn't there. I tried building comfort and kino escalating, but she just wasn't all that responsive. To be honest, I wasn't all that attracted to her (I met her over a month ago in a dark club). I think that I might need some heavy hitting shit (read canned material) for situations like this.
The second was with a girl that I met at an event thrown by a website that I use a lot. I met her through a girl I met at another event thrown by the same website. Things went well - I could have gotten the makeout the night I met her, but held out. She was excited for the Day2.
Day2 consisted of us vibing and me kino escalating. I may have told her some shit that convinced her I was crazy. She didn't want to go back to my place, but we did make out for a while at the end of the date. I'm pretty sure there was attraction - possibly there wasn't enough comfort. At the end of the date, she said something like "I had fun," and then went into her house.
I called her the next day, and she didn't respond. Not a good sign. I called again the following Sunday, and left another message. She called back the next day, but didn't leave a message (another bad sign). I called back the next day, and she was pretty cold. Attempted to chat, but she was nonresponsive. Told me that she was meeting a friend for dinner, and that she would call back later. Called back a couple hours later when I was out. Said that she would call back the next day. I didn't really want to prolong this, so I asked her if she wanted to hang out. She said no. I said ok, and we hung up. I probably should have asked her for a postmortem.
My analysis is that I didn't build sufficient comfort before the makeout. Based on her kissing, she doesn't have a lot of experience with relationships. I think that something I did scared her. Maybe I escalated too fast. I'm going to work on my comfort skills.
The third Day2 played a lot of games with me. She wouldn't go back to my place, but then we were making out like rabbits at a lounge in my neighborhood. She was older than me, and needed to be in control. I decided to next her because I'm not sure that I like her as a person. The postmortem on this on is that I need to pull back a bit more with some girls. Make them pursue it, rather than always trying to push forward with the interaction.
Maybe that's the pattern - I should be a bit less direct with my intentions, especially during the Day2.
Comfort Material
To the present, my comfort game has consisted of vibing about random things, including families, aspirations, etc. I'm working with a guy who is into canned material. I'm going to write out some DHV stories and a grounding routine. I figure that it couldn't hurt, and might make comfort easier. My current approach clearly isn't working, although I'm not certain why.
The problem is that I've had <10 D2s since I got into this, versus maybe 1000 approaches. Which makes it difficult to do rigorous analysis on why they aren't succeeding - its all anecdotal. As I continue with this, my D2 conversion rate should get higher.
Update:Densensitization
I had a realization regarding D2s, which is that I'm not desensitized to them. I'm far too reaction seeking and outcome dependent. When it comes to D2s, I definitely have the scarcity mentality. I would guess that this comes across to the girl. During D2s, I have started to escalate as quickly as possible, but I would guess that there is a neediness to it. The girl can tell that I want to get laid, and that is sabotaging my actually getting laid. I would guess that some percentage of girls want to get laid badly enough that they will go along, but most won't. What I need to do is to become desensitized to D2s. I shouldn't care whether I get laid on D2, because it doesn't fucking matter.
One way to do this is to have a lot of dates. I'm pretty sure that this will happen over time. The other thing I should think about is saying no to girls. At some point in the interaction, I sense that I have compliance to escalate the interaction, but rather than doing that, I push back a little bit rather than continuing forward. If I do it right, then the girl will come to me.
I see what they mean when they say that the game is played in comfort. This shit is hard.
So I had 3 Day2s last week that, while 2 of them were fun, were ultimately unsuccessful. I say unsuccessful because my goal is to get laid more, and I'm not doing that right now. So I'm going to use this blog entry to do a postmortem. I wrote detailed FRs for two of them on the Boston Lair.
The first was with a foreign au pair. She was nice, but the connection wasn't there. I tried building comfort and kino escalating, but she just wasn't all that responsive. To be honest, I wasn't all that attracted to her (I met her over a month ago in a dark club). I think that I might need some heavy hitting shit (read canned material) for situations like this.
The second was with a girl that I met at an event thrown by a website that I use a lot. I met her through a girl I met at another event thrown by the same website. Things went well - I could have gotten the makeout the night I met her, but held out. She was excited for the Day2.
Day2 consisted of us vibing and me kino escalating. I may have told her some shit that convinced her I was crazy. She didn't want to go back to my place, but we did make out for a while at the end of the date. I'm pretty sure there was attraction - possibly there wasn't enough comfort. At the end of the date, she said something like "I had fun," and then went into her house.
I called her the next day, and she didn't respond. Not a good sign. I called again the following Sunday, and left another message. She called back the next day, but didn't leave a message (another bad sign). I called back the next day, and she was pretty cold. Attempted to chat, but she was nonresponsive. Told me that she was meeting a friend for dinner, and that she would call back later. Called back a couple hours later when I was out. Said that she would call back the next day. I didn't really want to prolong this, so I asked her if she wanted to hang out. She said no. I said ok, and we hung up. I probably should have asked her for a postmortem.
My analysis is that I didn't build sufficient comfort before the makeout. Based on her kissing, she doesn't have a lot of experience with relationships. I think that something I did scared her. Maybe I escalated too fast. I'm going to work on my comfort skills.
The third Day2 played a lot of games with me. She wouldn't go back to my place, but then we were making out like rabbits at a lounge in my neighborhood. She was older than me, and needed to be in control. I decided to next her because I'm not sure that I like her as a person. The postmortem on this on is that I need to pull back a bit more with some girls. Make them pursue it, rather than always trying to push forward with the interaction.
Maybe that's the pattern - I should be a bit less direct with my intentions, especially during the Day2.
Comfort Material
To the present, my comfort game has consisted of vibing about random things, including families, aspirations, etc. I'm working with a guy who is into canned material. I'm going to write out some DHV stories and a grounding routine. I figure that it couldn't hurt, and might make comfort easier. My current approach clearly isn't working, although I'm not certain why.
The problem is that I've had <10 D2s since I got into this, versus maybe 1000 approaches. Which makes it difficult to do rigorous analysis on why they aren't succeeding - its all anecdotal. As I continue with this, my D2 conversion rate should get higher.
Update:Densensitization
I had a realization regarding D2s, which is that I'm not desensitized to them. I'm far too reaction seeking and outcome dependent. When it comes to D2s, I definitely have the scarcity mentality. I would guess that this comes across to the girl. During D2s, I have started to escalate as quickly as possible, but I would guess that there is a neediness to it. The girl can tell that I want to get laid, and that is sabotaging my actually getting laid. I would guess that some percentage of girls want to get laid badly enough that they will go along, but most won't. What I need to do is to become desensitized to D2s. I shouldn't care whether I get laid on D2, because it doesn't fucking matter.
One way to do this is to have a lot of dates. I'm pretty sure that this will happen over time. The other thing I should think about is saying no to girls. At some point in the interaction, I sense that I have compliance to escalate the interaction, but rather than doing that, I push back a little bit rather than continuing forward. If I do it right, then the girl will come to me.
I see what they mean when they say that the game is played in comfort. This shit is hard.
Monday, July 7, 2008
The Great Dance
So, this weekend, I had some interesting realizations about pickup. The first was when I was talking to a girl on Thursday. I went in with my opener, "Hey. how's it going?" And, its kind of strange - I can usually tell that the set has hooked as soon as the girl responds. If I have delivered the opener correctly (and there are a frigging lot of ways to say "Hey. How's it going" incorrectly), then the set will hook.
I liked the girl, and I could tell that she liked me. I don't think that we were talking about anything in particular, just vibing. Her friends sat down, and she remained standing, talking to me. The rest of the world pretty much disappeared. After a while, she realized that she had to go and sit down with her friends. So I went off, and talked to some other girls.
We bumped into her group again, when we were walking past another bar. She was very happy to see me, and we started talking again. Her friend started repeating her phone number, and was like, "call her." We talked for another ten or 15 minutes, until her group got into the other bar (the line was pretty long). You should have seen the AMOG who was "with" her glare at me. She gave me her number, and went into the club. Too bad that she lives in New York.
So what was the lesson here? I noticed before that I have trouble opening attractive girls. What I realized was that natural game only works when you are attracted to the girl. A lot of time, I will be talking to a girl, but realize that she isn't "in to" me. We're engaged in conversation, and I'm hooked in, I'm even kino escalating. But, somehow, it isn't working. To tell you the truth, I'm not really into her either. Maybe she isn't my type, or isn't attractive enough. Whatever the case, I'm a bad liar. Girls want you to be into them. And if you are, quite often there is instant attraction. When I think about it, I get better attraction when I'm talking to a hot girl than an average one. From now on, I'm not going to waste my time on girls who I'm not attracted to. It isn't doing anyone any good.
Here's the other thing - pickup is kind of like a dance. During your interaction, you are dancing with a girl, and you have to keep the rhythm. If the dance falters, then the set ends. The dance starts out technical, a lot of steps, and a lot of opportunities to step on her feet or screw up. Eventually, it turns to a slow dance, which is about holding on and making each other feel good.
Now here's the thing - you don't need routines, or anything scripted, so long as you can feel the beat, and keep to the dance. Canned game is kind of like the footprints that you put on the floor when you learn how to dance. Sure, you may look like you are dancing, but you lack a core conception of what is going on underneath it all. You are just running a set of rote footprints, and hoping that it looks like you are dancing. And if you are good enough, it actually does.
But why not just learn how to feel the rhythm, and do the dance on your own?
I liked the girl, and I could tell that she liked me. I don't think that we were talking about anything in particular, just vibing. Her friends sat down, and she remained standing, talking to me. The rest of the world pretty much disappeared. After a while, she realized that she had to go and sit down with her friends. So I went off, and talked to some other girls.
We bumped into her group again, when we were walking past another bar. She was very happy to see me, and we started talking again. Her friend started repeating her phone number, and was like, "call her." We talked for another ten or 15 minutes, until her group got into the other bar (the line was pretty long). You should have seen the AMOG who was "with" her glare at me. She gave me her number, and went into the club. Too bad that she lives in New York.
So what was the lesson here? I noticed before that I have trouble opening attractive girls. What I realized was that natural game only works when you are attracted to the girl. A lot of time, I will be talking to a girl, but realize that she isn't "in to" me. We're engaged in conversation, and I'm hooked in, I'm even kino escalating. But, somehow, it isn't working. To tell you the truth, I'm not really into her either. Maybe she isn't my type, or isn't attractive enough. Whatever the case, I'm a bad liar. Girls want you to be into them. And if you are, quite often there is instant attraction. When I think about it, I get better attraction when I'm talking to a hot girl than an average one. From now on, I'm not going to waste my time on girls who I'm not attracted to. It isn't doing anyone any good.
Here's the other thing - pickup is kind of like a dance. During your interaction, you are dancing with a girl, and you have to keep the rhythm. If the dance falters, then the set ends. The dance starts out technical, a lot of steps, and a lot of opportunities to step on her feet or screw up. Eventually, it turns to a slow dance, which is about holding on and making each other feel good.
Now here's the thing - you don't need routines, or anything scripted, so long as you can feel the beat, and keep to the dance. Canned game is kind of like the footprints that you put on the floor when you learn how to dance. Sure, you may look like you are dancing, but you lack a core conception of what is going on underneath it all. You are just running a set of rote footprints, and hoping that it looks like you are dancing. And if you are good enough, it actually does.
But why not just learn how to feel the rhythm, and do the dance on your own?
Iconoclast
Recently, I have become pretty disillusioned with a lot of the gurus out there. They hawk material that is "guaranteed to turbocharge your game," when in reality it is just the same old shit already out there. In the end, you need to go out, make mistakes, and learn from them. If you do that, you will get better. And if you don't, I don't care how much material you read. It isn't going to do shit. Except for making money for these "gurus."
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