So, before you start reading, I need to warn you that this post is not about pickup. It is one of those "Deconstructing _____" posts that pop up every once in a while on any pickup-related blog. It seems logical that anyone who is trying to master social interactions would occasionally swing the microscope onto his own life. I try to keep these to a minimum, because I don't know how much value they actually give to either myself or to anyone who happens to read this. In this case, I think that its justified.
So, for the past several months, pickup has pretty much consumed my life. I go out sarging 5 or more nights a week, and when I'm not out, I'm thinking of it. I check the Boston Lair about every five minutes, and am pretty much bouncing between blogs, looking for more information. In short, this has become my obsession du jour. I tend to do this. I pick something out, and devote all of my time to it
A Brief History of My Obsessions
My most recent pre-pickup obsession was biking. I had always enjoyed biking, but about two years ago, I started biking 50 miles to work two or three days a week. Then I started riding centuries on the weekends, and finally I started riding double centuries. My weekly mileage ranged from 200 miles (on a light week) to 350+ (I once had a 400 mile week). I rode four double centuries in 2006, and one in 2007. The only reason I didn't do more was that I moved from California to Massachusetts, and the biking here isn't as good. Plus, it was kind of wearing thin.
Spending 15-20 hours a week on my bike definitely ate into my free time, and when you take into account the increased amount of sleep that I needed, I pretty much biked, worked, and spent the occasional evening/weekend with my girlfriend. I think that I used it to escape from reality. I had a job that just wasn't doing it for me (even though most people would have killed for it), and a relationship that was uninspired at best (it was fine, but I didn't want just fine). For that year, I dedicated myself to applying to grad school and biking, and it worked just fine. My life itself was kind of in a holding pattern...
Change (or the lack thereof)
Last summer, I moved east to start grad school (my program is two full years - June to June). I made all of the same mistakes that I always make. I pretty much focused on my academic work, spending a lot less time than I should have on socializing. I made a few friends, but not as many as I would have liked to, and I don't think that I spent enough time nurturing these friendships. In the end, I did well academically, which doesn't really matter in grad school, and felt that I missed the boat socially. Also, I broke up with my long-term girlfriend, which was probably good for everyone involved.
In the fall, I took a class that consumed about 20 hours of my time every week. When combined with the other 50+ hours of work that I had for my other classes, my social life was again toast. I did go out, but I didn't really form the social relationships that I wanted. I kind of avoided the things that were painful, and as a result, didn't develop in the ways that I wanted to.
Rock Bottom
I would say that I hit rock bottom around January or February. I spent a month travelling with my program, and didn't really feel like I connected with anyone new. I have about two friends in my program, and maybe made one or two more, but I really fell short. I didn't feel like I fit in, and over time I started to get really depressed (the cold weather and short days didn't help). I felt like I was powerless. During the last week in February, I went back to SF. I bumped into my ex-girlfriend, and she actively ignored me. For some reason, that really got to me. I hung out with some good friends, but I was a mess inside. About this time, I found the Boston Lair.
A Seed Sprouts (or does it)...
I went to my first meeting, and threw myself into it. I started going out three nights a week, and then four. I spent less time going to school events, and mostly just went out with my wings. When school ended, I pumped that up to five or six nights. I have seen a fair amount of improvement, both in my success with women and my social skills in general. But I'm not where I want to be yet, and not sure how I'm going to get there.
I was talking to a good friend last weekend, and we had an interesting conversation. This guy is not in the community, and I wouldn't say that he is successful with women by any means. However, he isn't interested in this stuff, and views it as being a fairly cynical perspective on life. We have talked about this a fair amount over the past few months. We hung out for the day, and took a long road trip. He talked about his life, and I talked about my life. We gave each other feedback, that while not overly critical, was definitely candid. His read on this was that this is just another of my obsessions. I have to admit that he is correct on this one. The problem is that this is a diagnosis, and not a solution.
Let's go over my medium and long-term goals (not necessarily in any particular order)
My Goals
1) Learn how to attract women
2) Learn how to become an attractive person who has lots of friends
3) Sleep with enough women to satisfy my urge for sexual partners
4) Build a good social network
5) Start a company and have business success
6) Build a balanced life with several rewarding pursuits
7) Get married and start a family
8) Become financially independent (to the point where I work when I choose)
8) Write and publish a book
Of these, I would say that 1, 2, and 6 are the keys to my long-term success and the accomplishment of the rest of my goals. Right now, I would say that I am working on 1, and to a lesser extent, 2. Number 6 is probably the hardest.
Balance
Why is balance so hard for me? I think that its just not in my nature. I don't think that we are evolutionarily tuned for balance - it is definitely a post-modern problem. I like throwing myself into something and obsessing over it. Regardless, I need to learn how to do it. The problem is, how do I do this? I have done all of the reading on time management - I just haven't successfully implemented it (at least in the long-term).
Strategy Moving Forward
I think that I could spend hours writing about this, and I probably will in the future. I think that my strategy should be to set a goal for pickup, and to spend a specified amount of time doing that. Then, I will pick something off of my list (perhaps start a company), and spend a specified amount of time on that. I will work on dedicating time to an activity, and not getting distracted by something else. If I can juggle, work, pickup, and one other pursuit successfully, I think that I can learn to split any three pursuits. And I think that three simultaneous pursuits should be sufficient for anyone.
More on this later...
1 year ago
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