You Are Your Parents

So I just came back from a longer-than-expected weekend with the parents. They wanted to see me, so I arranged to go down and visit them on a quiet weekend. We spent the weekend doing pretty much nothing (biking, boating, eating out), which was nice for a change (can't remember the last time I didn't go out on either Friday or Saturday night). I had an interesting revelation - and its of the "those who don't remember history are doomed to repeat it" sort.

My mom has a talent for pushing my buttons. We have a great relationship, and most of the time we get along just fine. I can always call her to ask for advice or vent, and she has the same guarantee from me. However, she has a talent for saying the things calculated to make me aggravated. It is truly uncanny - I know no one who has quite that effect on me. So on Saturday, she did just that, and a fight ensued. I played into it rather than doing what I should (change the subject immediately). It was about something that was none of her business and had already been resolved (a minor misunderstanding with my sister that happened over a month ago). Later on in the day, she asked if we could replay the discussion. I changed the subject; she pushed back, and I changed it again. She relented, and the rest of the day was pleasant.

That night, we were at dinner, and she was talking about her father. She loves him dearly, but he has a talent for pushing her buttons (sound familiar yet?). A few months ago, she went to visit him and my grandmother. They had a conversation where he was picking on something small and insignificant, which obviously made her mad. She told him that it was none of his business, blah blah blah. During the course of the conversation, he admitted that sometimes he just likes to create conflict.

As we walked out of the restaurant, I very gently said to my mom, "doesn't this sound familiar?" At first she didn't see it, but then came to the realization that maybe there was something in common. My father chimed in, and reinforced that maybe there is some commonality there. At the end of the night, she said something along the lines of "I think that we had a breakthrough."

Nonreactivity to People
So, I think that if I can become nonreactive to my mother's shit, then I will be pretty much nonreactive to shit from people in general. I need to learn to step out of my head, realize that this isn't a worthwhile pursuit, and immediately change the subject. Subtly but simultaneously abruptly. This is a fun exercise that I should try every night. At this point, I often don't react to shit from people, but fail to change the subject quickly enough. A week or two ago, I was playing the blowout game and asked a girl if she liked McDonald's. She took offense because she had lost a lot of weight. She actually came over and reinitiated (for confrontation). She was obviously interested in me, and I should have changed the subject.

Nonreactivity to Circumstances
I am proud of myself for my nonreactivity to circumstances. This is something that I have been cultivating for a while, and the meditation has really helped. On Sunday, my father and I went out on a short boat ride, and the transmission went out 10 minutes from the dock. We were stranded, and if it hadn't been for my cell phone getting reception, we would have been SOL. I called my mother, who found a tow boat, and we waited about 2 hours for a tow. I felt completely calm and relaxed - my dad started to get aggravated, but as I saw it, we were sitting on the water on a beautiful day. We managed to get home just fine.

Then we headed to the airport. We had to drive across the Bay Bridge, and everything went fine until we were about 5-7 miles from the airport. Then we saw signs warning that there was a 5-hour delay across the bridge. Apparently, a tractor trailer went over the guardrail, and one of the two bridges was closed. There was only one lane going over, and one lane going back, so traffic was majorly delayed. I missed my flight back to Boston, and it took us over 3.5 hours to make a trip that usually took two. I called the airline, and I could either try to standby for a later flight that night or pay to reschedule. I chose to reschedule (good thing because they canceled the other flight that night), which cost me almost $250.

My parents were bitching about how slow the ride was, but I was pretty relaxed through all of it.
To be honest, I really didn't care, and didn't get aggravated. My point was that it didn't matter - there were many worse things that could happen to us. I still feel like I have a long way to go, but things like this show me the progress that I've made.

Change
So I have heard that it takes a long time (tens of interactions) for people to perceive you as having changed. My parents noticed that I project my voice very well, which is a big thing (I used to mumble). I think that, if I keep working hard to change, they will see me as I am.