Am I Progressing?

Sometimes I ask myself whether I'm progressing at all. Not after the good nights, but after the frustrating nights where nothing goes right. I think the most telling thing is that the frustrating nights now are a lot better than the frustrating nights from even a few months ago.

So I guess the answer is YES. Not even, "I guess," but "Hells Yeah." Sure, the improvement comes a lot more slowly than I would have liked, but then again we all want to get into this and be pulling chicks left and right by the next week. It does happen from time to time, but for most of us, it takes real work over a period of months or years. Kind of like Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill, but the boulder doesn't roll quite back to where it started. Maybe you get a few millimeters on some days, and centimeters or inches on others. That's ok - you appreciate something more if it takes forever to achieve. Plus, you have plenty of opportunities to reevaluate, and figure out whether it is what you really wanted.

Getting exactly what you want can sometimes even be a bad thing ;-)

Identifying with Sticking Points

I realized something interesting recently - I was failing to get better because I had identified with my sticking points. They became part of me, and I used them as an excuse to fail. If I screwed up in a set, it was because of my sticking point. If I didn't go out, it was because of my sticking point. If I got railed up the ass by a Himalayan dwarf, well, you can guess what I would have blamed... ;-)

In my case, the sticking point was something identified by a well-known pickup instructor. He told me that I was try-hard. It's true - I was try-hard, but it wasn't something I could do much about. Unlike outer game sticking points, you can't really tell someone how to fix inner game sticking points. The only thing you can do is to give them a bunch of silly exercises and affirmations that may or may not work. But, in the end, inner game issues must resolve themselves - you can't push through them like outer game issues.

I assumed that continuing to go out would fix the problem. When, six months later the same instructor told me the same thing, I took it like a death sentence. I was try-hard. That was just who I was. Girls were going to continue to hate me because I was try-hard. Never mind that I was still getting laid occasionally, and that I wasn't even going out as much as I had previously. Also disregard that some of the other try-hard guys were having decent results with women. I was try hard. I was going to die.

So, when you go to the doctor, and he tells you that you are going to die, a bunch of things flash through your head. At first, you are in denial, and you grieve, and blah blah blah. But, eventually, you accept your fate and move on. This is sort of what I did, but in the wrong way. I was try-hard. If I wasn't ever going to succeed, at least I knew why. It wasn't that I was ugly, or stupid, or even awkward. It was that I was try-hard.

I actually pretty much stopped going out for a few months. I was busy with other things, but that wasn't really a good excuse. When I did go out, I could barely bring myself to approach. But that was ok, I was try-hard. Girls didn't want to sleep with me because I was try-hard. And you get the point.

And I didn't get better. My social skills actually atrophied, to the point where I felt like it was a lot harder to carry on a conversation with a complete stranger. Furthermore, guys who did worse in-set than me were getting better results. And then it hit me.

IT WAS ALL BULLSHIT!

I'm going to repeat that

IT WAS ALL BULLSHIT!

Whether or not I was try-hard didn't matter. There is no way to directly fix try-hard, so I shouldn't be focusing on it. I should only be focusing on doing the things that will get me results. The only way to get past that was to keep pushing myself. In face, appearing try-hard was actually a symptom of not pushing myself. I was going out, talking to girls, and but not really pushing my boundaries. And this was the problem, and not whatever "try-hard" is.

So I've been focusing on going out, pushing my boundaries, and not worrying about anything intangible. And I really feel a lot better about game and my progress.

This is not to say that you shouldn't focus on your sticking points, or your inner game issues. Just don't identify with them, and allow them to continue to hold you back.

Dude Sarging

I hate the word "sarging," along with all other community lingo. I just wanted to let everyone know how I feel about that.

I've been going to this mastermind group. We talk about our pickup goals, but also our life goals (health, wealth, and relationships). A few weeks ago, I commented that I was drinking too much when I went out. Not to excess (one or two), but one or two beers every time you go out does add up. I had gained about 6-8 pounds over the last six months. The feedback was (predictably) "try drinking less."

So, I essentially stopped drinking when I went out. Maybe I'll drink once a week, but I've been trying to go at it sober. Suddenly, my game is worse, and I'm not having as much fun. Hmm... That's interesting.

One of the problems is that, when I go out, I have an agenda. I want to get laid. That's fine, but it causes me to react differently. I come across as needy, and girls can sense that. The only way to eliminate that (for me) is by drinking. Quiets the chatter in my head right down. I'm not a problem drinker (or even close to it), but it would be nice to not be dependent on alcohol. One of the suggestions was to go out once a week and not talk to anyone. If I'm not talking to anyone, there is no way that I can be outcome dependent.

I decided to further that. I'm going to go out once a week and "dude sarge." Basically, I can't talk to girls. I have to talk to guys. The only way I can talk to a girl is if she's in a mixed set (and then I need to talk to the guys as well).

This is week one. I'm trying to motivate myself to go out tonight...

September Eighth

Every post seems to be along the lines of "I haven't posted forever. Blah Blah Blah." This post is probably going to be the same. I have a lot going on in my life right now, although I am going out more. Feeling good, loving my new city.

Narrowly messed up a social circle lay this weekend (I was probably about 2 minutes from getting laid when I screwed it up), but it was a good lesson. I got needy, and pushed too hard at the wrong time. Fortunately, my life is exactly the same as it would have been if I had gotten laid (the girl was a friend of a friend of a friend who was only in town for the weekend). There is something about labor day weekend and screwing up lays (happened last year as well).

I Was Once a Loyal Lover

For the past few weeks, I've been listening to "I Was Once a Loyal Lover" from Death Cab for Cutie's "Open Door EP." It kind of caught in my head, but I never really listened to the lyrics. I just read them, and it's pretty much exactly what I'm going through right now. To quote:

I was once a loyal lover
Whose lips did never seek another's
But now each love's more like a match
A blinding spark that burns out fast

Basically, my read is that I was stuck in boring relationships. Now I love them quickly and then burn it out. Still isn't what I'm looking for.

And you can't even begin to know
How many times I've told myself "I told you so"
And you can't even begin to believe
There's so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me

At every point in my life so far (at least for the past five years or so), Death Cab has released songs that are personally relevant to me. Ben Gibbard must be able to read my mind (or maybe I'm just going through some standard angst).

I was hanging out with a female friend today, and we were talking about relationships. I realized that my biggest problem is that I'm intimidated by girls who I am interested in. When I'm not terribly interested, I have no problem going after them. We hook up, but I lose interest pretty much as soon as we have sex. However, when I'm really interested, I get intimidated and wuss out. I usually come up with a lame excuse for why I'm not going to go for them (like I'm leaving town). There is one girl who I will probably have a crush on forever because I never made a move before I left Boston. The signals were ambiguous at best, but that could just be my back-rationalization.

Old Month, Slacking Off

Not much new to report. I've been working pretty hard on my startup. Wake up early, work out, then work for a long time. By the time that 10 or 11 rolls around, I'm pretty exhausted. I also spend a lot of time programming (especially at night), which makes it much harder to switch into social mode. I end up getting out like once a week, which is pathetic. Time to change that.

Haven't found many bars around here that I actually like, but I should be looking harder. Tonight I'm going to try a new town, and see what's going on down there. Still haven't connected with any community guys in SF - I really need a support network, because it's hard going at it solo.

I'm moving up to SF in about a month, which should hopefully make it easier to find wings and go out. But, as I'm discovering, I can't rely on other people to do things for me. I need to want it.

On a more positive note, I'm finishing up with Week 5 of P90X. I've been modifying it a bit so that I can go out biking (mostly biking instead of the cardio/plyo workouts), but it's going ok. Hard work, but I think I'm starting to see results (slowly).

New Month, New State

It seems to be impossible for me to write regular posts on this blog. I completely missed the month of June. For most of the month, I was traveling and in the process of moving cross-country. Finished school, and went to my sister's wedding. Attended a bootcamp in Miami, where I learned some important things. The most important lesson is that I'm still try-hard and don't have enough fun. When I interact with girls, I come across as too intense. I think that I'm finally ready to fix that.

About two weeks ago, I arrived on the West Coast. I've been out a few times, and it has been going pretty well. I'm not taking "gaming" nearly as seriously. Trying to go out and have fun, regardless of the outcome. Be slightly more of a sarcastic asshole when I'm interacting with girls. I pulled a chick this past weekend - it seemed like more of a layup than anything else (she opened me), but it probably wouldn't have happened without all of the work that I've been doing. A lot of the learning involves integrating things into your subconscious - on some level it's hard to figure out what you're even doing differently.

I saw some old friends this weekend (some of whom I hadn't seen in two years), and a couple of them independently said that I had changed a lot. They said that I seem happier and more relaxed. The cynic in me immediately piped in that I had gotten laid the night before, but then I realized that I am in fact much happier and more relaxed. More confident and outgoing as well.

Post 100

I just went through my phone and cleaned out my flakes. There were probably 40 numbers in there who are either flakes or girls who I don't talk to any more. Some of these are nearly a year old. There is something cathartic about clearing out your phone - it is worth doing every once in a while. Sure it makes sense to keep old numbers for a while, but not forever. In my case, I'm moving to the Bay Area in three days, so it probably doesn't make sense to keep my old numbers from Boston. Not sure when I'll be back here.

In other news, I'm moving to the Bay Area in about three days. I'm not sure whether I'll go out again here. Went out Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Friday and Saturday were pretty good, but Sunday was blowout after blowout. We went to a loud dance club, and I hadn't done club game in quite a while. Plus it was super-packed, and there was nowhere to lock in. Overall, sort of a clusterfuck, but it's good to have nights like that every once in a while. Keeps you real, and shows you how much you still have to work on. I think that the other trick is to start opening right away. There was about an hour between the time the place opened and when the music got loud, and we pretty much choded out and talked for that time. Perfect opportunity to talk to a bunch of groups. I still don't do well when I can't talk - probably never will. That's ok - I just need to be mindful of my weaknesses so that I can work around them.

Last Night == Fail

Alright. I didn't do exactly what I wanted to do last night. Here's a rundown:

1) Got to the bar early. Opened a (safe) two-set. Turns out that they both had wedding rings on. Talked to them for a while until they left. Sometimes it is hard for me to tell whether girls have an honest excuse or are just ditching me. In any case, nothing was going to happen there. Didn't go for the number, because that would have been sketchy.

2) Opened a 3-set. They were in the middle of something, and told me to come back in a few minutes. I talked to them for a minute before I left, and they were pretty friendly. Didn't reopen, although I should have.

3) Opened a 2-set. They worked at the hotel where the bar was. I kind of liked one of the girls, but didn't go for the number (that's where the fail came from). After a while, they left to smoke.

4) My wing started talking to a girl at the bar, and she enlisted him to carry drinks back to her friends. She also liked him. I came over, and started talking to the friend, who was cute, but she wasn't having any of me. She pulled the other girl away after a few minutes. We were left with a third friend. I left, my wing stayed in for a while and talked to the third girl.

We bounced to a different neighborhood, and a different bar.

5) I opened a seated group because the guy was wearing a Trogdor the Burninator shirt. It didn't really hook, although I plowed for a few minutes.

6) I opened a standing two-set. We talked for a little while, but I wasn't really getting much in terms of attraction, and wasn't all that into them. I ejected. This was funny because two guys from school were standing right there, and saw me approach. They asked me about it later.

So there was about one set here where I should have gone for the number, and didn't. It didn't seem solid, but I'm a pussy about that sort of thing.

Being Direct
I think that I'm going to try a new exercise. Basically, it is to force myself to not be a pussy. When I get a girl into isolation, I'll say something along the lines of "I know this is direct, but would you like to go home with me tonight?" Hopefully doing this a lot will free me from being a pussy.

Rededication - Part Two

So I'm back on my theme of going out. I've been going out more, but still not as much as I would like. I'm not sure whether I hit 20 approaches last week - I went out one night solo, and then spent two nights going to house parties. It's likely that I talked to 20 people, but most didn't qualify as cold approach. I did spend most of Friday talking to one girl, but I didn't really push it. I think that I'm undirected; I don't consistently push myself forwards. I still hook sets fairly consistently, but don't go for numbers, and don't qualify. So, here are my goals:

1) Phone Numbers - If I talk to a girl for more than ten minutes, I have to ask for her number. Even if she blows me out, I have to ask for the number on the way out.
2) Qualification - I need to qualify. That's why I get so many flakes. I should start using a teasing qualifier right after I open, and I should put up a bigger hoop before I jump into comfort.

Rededication

Wow. Every time I log in, it has been longer and longer since my last post. I have even been going out less lately (I was down to probably once a week for about a month). I've had some major stuff happen on other fronts of my life - I actually feel like I'm getting closer to where I want to be. I have had less time to go out, but this is ridiculous.

Recently, I gave myself an ultimatum. This is high priority. If I don't work on it consistently, I won't get any better. I'll have the 60-75% solution, but not the grand prize. I want to get this area of my life handled, and get the results that I want. That doesn't come by being lazy - it comes through consistent hard work. I've worked at this too hard and long (and gotten too close to real success) to give up now.

Last weekend, I forced myself to go out and open 20 sets. The first 5 sets were super-hard - I even had to give my wing $20 to pressure myself to approach. I was rusty as hell. But, by the end of the weekend, it had started coming back. I was opening and holding. I wasn't time bridging or pulling, but everything in due time.

Last night, I went out solo. I think I opened 5 sets.

The first one went pretty well - I think it lasted for almost an hour. The target was a professional violinist, and had really cool nerdy glasses (I love chicks with glasses). I didn't go for the number - stupid me.

The second set went ok. I opened a three-set, and after meeting the group I switched to the target. They actually left her alone for a while with me, but she got bored after maybe 15 minutes. I actually detected some fairly subtle vibe changes and subcommunications - I'm starting to be able to read people better. I probably wasn't escalating enough, and she lost interest.

I bounced, and opened three more. The venue was pretty loud, and I just wasn't high energy enough. Nothing really lasted all that long. I bumped into some guys from the lair and a friend from college who was pretty drunk.

I'm rededicating this blog, to Frame 2.0. This is the second major campaign, and I'm detecting that it's going to be good.

Being Realistic

I took a month off from reading or posting to a certain pickup-related bulletin board. When I got back, I realized just how weird it all is. One thing I have noticed is a lot of guys are completely delusional about their abilities. I mean, guys who are virgins are bragging about their skills. Guys who don't appear to be all that good talk about how they are better than everyone they know. One guy has hundreds of posts, and is constantly giving advice to anyone who listens. When he wrote a vague 1-year post and a newbie asked him about his results, he admitted that his cold approach game isn't all that good, and that he hasn't really approached much until recently.

I think that it all comes back to the Kruger-Dunning effect. About ten years back, some psychologists compared perceived performance at various tasks with actual performance. The group that performed the worst drastically overestimated their performance, while the best group underestimated their performance. If you want to read the whole thing, go here

I have heard some skilled PUAs mention that the guys who get the best are the ones who always think that they aren't all that good. Once you get cocky about your skills, it's all over. Good thing that I still think I suck at this...

I almost want to stop reading community shit altogether and focus on just trying to be a cool normal guy. I'm not proposing that I stop going out, but rather that I drop the whole "pickup" frame and terminology. Instead of going out "sarging," I can "go to bars with my friends and hit on girls." I kind of wonder why guys who have gotten pretty good stay in this community (not that many of them do). Some of it comes down to wanting to help others, but their is some sort of need for validation that people have. I enjoy helping newer guys to build their skills, but the weirdness factor is really high.

Alright. Time to get back to work...

One Year Report - Lessons From the Field

This is a cross-post from the Boston Lair.

So, where to begin? I've been in this for one year. In the field 3-4 nights a week (plus the occasional day) for the past 52 weeks or so. In all, I've probably been out at least 200 times, and opened close to 1500 sets. I've made a lot of progress, but to be honest, I think that I'm about 10% of the way to my goal.

Here are a few things that I have learned (in no particular order). Don't consider any of this to be "expert advice" - this is actually more for my benefit than for anyone else's. I do invite feedback from anyone who cares to read it, so feel free to disagree or tear me to pieces.

Going Out is Necessary but not Sufficient for Success
I don't care what anyone says. The only way to get good at this is to go out. A lot. If you don't have at least 3-5 sets for every post on a pickup forum, you are probably aren't in field enough.

With that said, going out probably isn't enough. It's important to have a good game plan, and to consistently push yourself. Which brings me to my next point...

Push Yourself
I can't remember who said this, but someone defined insanity as "doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting different results." A lot of us do that with pickup. We don't continue to push our comfort zones, and do the same things over and over. Once you have expanded your reality by doing something new until it becomes a habit, you should continue to push the boundaries.

Getting out of the house and going to the bar is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Talking to random people at the bar is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Being able to hold a good conversation with a girl is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Escalating physically at the venue is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Asking for a phone number or setting up a time bridge is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Calling a girl is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Going on a date is a good start, but it alone won't get you laid...
Taking a girl back to your place and fucking her, now that's a different story.

I'll admit that I'm still running a lot of 20-minute sets to nowhere. My 20-minute sets to nowhere are drastically better than they were a few months ago, but they still don't lead to lays.

One benefit of good wings is that they can help to keep you honest.

Don't Beat Yourself Up
Everyone screws up sometimes. Sets go bad for reasons that are out of your control. Look back in order to figure out what to do differently in the future, but don't be too critical of yourself. One of my biggest realizations has been that I need to be less self-critical. Self-criticism is a form of negative reinforcement. If you beat yourself up every time that you approach, eventually you will stop approaching.

Learn to praise yourself for the small things. Lately, I've taken to going out solo. When I'm out by myself, success is defined as any night where I approach, and everything else is a bonus. It's amazing how much better I do when I adopt that attitude.

Don't Compare Yourself To Anyone Else
One of the most important things I have learned is that everyone develops these skills on his own time frame. Some people get into this, open a few sets, and are suddenly getting laid. Other people take years to get where they want to, even with consistent practice. Everyone is different, and has a different path to mastery.

I'm going to be honest - I've seen a bunch of guys come in who are tall, good looking, and pretty confident, and they tend to develop more quickly than the guys who are short, ugly, and not very social. But then again, some of the guys who everyone thought were hopeless are now getting laid. Everyone has natural advantages and natural disadvantages. Some of the natural advantages are better in the short-term, and some will help you long-term. If your wing starts pulling like a rockstar while you're still trying to get solid phone numbers, don't get discouraged.

Just make sure that you have a plan, and let the results take care of themselves.

Focus on What Makes You Happy
I've always been a fairly unhappy person. I have never been severely depressed, but I sort of assumed for the first 27 years of my life that I would always be somewhat miserable. No wonder that I had a lot of trouble attracting women. Would you want to be around someone who doesn't like himself?

Over the past year, I've worked on that a lot, and I can honestly say that I've been a much happier person recently. Instead of having negative thoughts running through my head, most of my thoughts are positive. And when i have a negative emotion, i can stop it before it becomes a problem. I would say that the most important piece was going on a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat (and subsequently meditating for an hour every day).

Have Fun
At the beginning, I HATED going out. Through a lot of trial and error, I've actually learned to love bars and clubs in their own special way. Some guys never like going out. And I'm going to tell you a secret - its pretty obvious when someone isn't having any fun.

If you aren't have fun, figure out how to change that. To be honest, this is something that I'm working on. There are nights where this feels like a job. And they are drastically inferior to the nights where I really don't give a fuck.

Keep It Real
A lot of guys who get really into this end up dropping their non-community friends and focusing on pickup pretty much full-time. After a while, they realize that their life has become a haze of nights out in the field, and days are focused on scraping by so that they can get to those nights out. I definitely did this for a while, and after a while it starts to feel pretty damn shallow. There is so much more to life than chasing pointless pussy. A lot of guys who get laid a lot suck at many other aspects of their life.

There has been a significant anti-community movement within the community. You know, the guys who say "the community is weird." To some degree, this line of reasoning makes sense. You aren't going to get good with girls by talking about abstract concepts. To some degree, all of the community terminology and theories are just cluttering your head, and you would be better served by reading celebrity gossip magazines. I recently took a month off from the community, during which I didn't read any Pickup Material, and didn't read the Boston Lair or attend meetings. I have to say that I didn't really miss it all that much. With that said, I recognize that it does have value.

Wake up and do an honest assessment of yourself. If you are obsessed with this stuff, make sure that it isn't your only obsession. It's fine to go out at night to hit on girls, if that's what you enjoy doing. Just don't have that be the only thing in your life. Recently, I realized that I have totally been neglecting my social circle, and have resolved to put more emphasis on that.

Have Good Wings
One of the most important things over the past year has been having good wings.

I've been out with a LOT of wings in this time, and have seen a lot of people come and go. it always bothers me a little when I meet a guy who I like and then he drops out. A lot of guys get into this, do it for a little while, and decide that it's too hard. Maybe they are already getting some results, and it's too hard to push themselves to get what they actually want. Or maybe they just have things that are higher priority in their lives. Whatever the case, I hope that these guys eventually get what they are looking for.

I've also met guys who are dedicated to this but not suitable as wings. Sometimes you just don't click with a guy. Being someone's wing takes a certain vibe - sometimes you have it and sometimes you don't. It does take some practice to get good at winging someone, but some people just aren't right as wings. Maybe your personalities are too different, or maybe you just want different things. At some point, it's better to do an honest assessment and move on.

A good wing isn't just a guy who you go out with to "sarge." A good wing is a comrade who you can relate to, someone you hang out with both inside and outside of the club. If you aren't out for a while, they will call you to see what's up, and to ask whether there is anything they can do to help. I consider my best wings to be close friends.

I would give shout outs, but I think that the relevant parties all know who they are. Thanks a lot guys.

Figure out Where you Want to Go
No matter what you think that you want, you are probably never going to be satisfied. A lot of guys get into this because they are desperate and want to get laid. Then they get laid, and they want to be able to get laid more regularly, or with hotter girls. Then they get laid more, and they want to date multiple girls at the same time. And so on and so forth.

At some point, you realize that you have kind of lost the forest for the trees. You got into this wanting sex, and at some point you lost sight of that goal. There isn't really a clear end to this, so know what you want. Figure out what will truly make you happy, and work towards that. There really is no prize for fucking the most girls, I promise you (although some guys appear to be trying to change that).

I'll be honest in saying that I'm not at either the quality or quantity targets that I wanted when I got into this. I've slept with more girls in the past year than in my entire life before that, and that isn't yet enough. But I see this as a long-term process, and I'm ok with it taking me a few more years to get there. I'm confident that eventually I'll get to the point where I meet a really cool girl who I want to be with long-term, but I think that's a ways off.

This is Hard
Everyone hurts. Sometimes.

I've had a bunch of shitty nights where I wanted to throw in the towel and quit. At the beginning, that was every night. Now it maybe happens once every month or two. Strangely, it has nothing to do with results. Sometimes I haven't gotten laid in a month and feel great, and sometimes I feel like shit even though I got a new lay the day before.

On some level, you need to be able to dissociate yourself from the pain. Realize that all feelings and emotions will eventually pass (yup, I've been brainwashed by Buddhists). Sometimes I tell myself the same thing when I'm feeling like I'm on top of the world. It's all just chemicals in your brain, and none of it really matters. The only thing that matters is that you keep going out and interacting with people. Enjoy all of the nights. Even the shitty ones.

The Two Immutable Laws of Pickup
I've posted these before, but I think that they still apply, so I'll conclude by reiterating:

1) It doesn't fucking matter.
2) Excellence is inevitable.

Going Out Solo

So I went out solo tonight. I almost didn't, but I'm glad that I pushed myself. I was up super-late last night and then had to be up early today. In the end, I slept like 4 hours last night, and only about six the night before. So today I was so tired that I was hallucinating. I didn't get home until a bit after 7 tonight, and took a nap until 10. At 10, I contemplated going back to bed, but realized that this was a chode-out. Still couldn't motivate myself to go out, so I went to the bathroom. Sinn has said that he will go out for sure once he gets in the shower. I tried that, and it worked.

I walked by the place closest to my house; it had a line out the door and around the block. I went to the store to buy a snack, and the line was even longer when I got back. I kept walking, and found another place with a much shorter line. Got in at about midnight. Bought a beer, and resolved that I had to stay for at least 45 minutes. This actually works pretty well for me (particularly because I hate watching sports, which is all that's ever on the TVs in most bars). If I have to stand alone in a bar, I will probably start approaching out of boredom. I could pressure myself to do a certain number of approaches, but I find that my outcome isn't good when I approach when I "have to," and not because I want to. For me, my biggest problem is outcome dependence.

After a few minutes, I did my first approach. It felt off, and I got blown out pretty quickly. Chilled out for a few minutes, and then did a second approach. It was like a 3 or 4-set, the two that I approached introduced me to their friend. I talked to her for over an hour. It was fine - just a normal conversation. I probably wasn't being physical enough. I tried, but was maybe too conscious about it. After a while, the interaction sort of started to fizzle. The girl's friend came over because one of their friends was crying in the bathroom, and pulled her off. It was close to the witching hour, so I decided to go home.

On Giving Value

I feel like "value" is one of those concepts that is thrown about in a pretty nebulous fashion. You hear guys say "give value" all the time, but I get the impression that a fair number of them don't know what this actually means. Similarly to "be outcome independent" or "be in the moment," it has become a mantra with little real substance behind it. Furthermore, I think that a lot of guys in the community are value junkies, and are obsessed with measuring exactly how much value everyone consumes and emits. I feel like a lot of the advice to newbies on "how to give value" is misdirected.

Before I start, I'm going to admit that there are MANY kinds of value. However, I am concerned primarily with value from the PUA perspective. And from the PUA perspective, I am talking about how do you give value to other guys in the community.

What is not "Giving Value?"
For some reason, one of the things that irks me the most are the non-offers of value that come up from time to time. The sad thing is that these are well intended. Guy joins the community, sees "give value" plastered all over the place, and decides that he has to do something. He has worked as a professional dog washer in the past, so he volunteers to wash anyone's dog for free. Maybe he gets a few compliments for this, but it is likely that no one takes him up, and in the end, it doesn't do much for his standing in the community.

Why is this? First of all, this is a pretty big offer to just put out there. It's kind of like offering to buy a random girl a drink. It's kind of out of the blue, and some people would feel like you want something in return. There's a second reason, though, and I think that is more important. This "value" is totally irrelevant to pickup. I don't know about you, but I got into this to improve my skills with women. Maybe my dog needs to get washed, but so far as I know, that isn't going to get me laid. Which brings me to my next point...

What is "Giving Value?"
Giving value from the PUA perspective is enhancing the probability that other guys will get laid. It's pretty simple; if you increase then chance that I will get laid, then as a PUA you are giving me value. A lot of newbies wonder how they can get a chance to hang out with more experienced guys. Unsurprisingly, a large percentage of the guys out there will hang out with anyone who offers enough value.

How Do I Give Value?
So I'm going to preface this by saying that there are many ways to give value. I have seen some extremely creative value displays during my time in the community, and I don't want to get into a laundry list. However, here are a few that are both the simplest and most effective.

1) Be Positive - It's amazing; this is so simple, yet many guys fail to do it. You see them in a bar, and they look like they could be dying. Be genuinely positive and upbeat when you are out in field. Always say nice things to everyone, and never give criticism unless explicitly requested (and, even then, be careful about what you say). Above all, have fun. Positive people are great to be around. Even if a guy has no skills, if he is positive and upbeat, he is an asset to be out with.

2) Open Sets - When I'm out in the field with a wing, the most important thing I can see him do is to open a lot of sets. First of all, this motivates me to go out and open sets myself. Second of all, if my wing is approaching a lot, it is guaranteed that aren't going to spend the night in a chode crystal by the bar. Again, I don't care if a guy has any skill; so long as he is opening a lot, he is doing his job from my perspective. If he isn't pushing himself, that's another question, but if he is being positive AND opening, he is likely going to be pushing himself.

3) Be Consistent - I found that it took about 4-6 months for me to start going out with guys who I saw as "senior." One reason is that a lot of guys get into the community and then drop out within that period of time. It isn't worth a more experienced guy investing in you as a wing (I find that it takes a couple of weeks to a month to build wing vibe) unless you have proven that you stick with it. If you go out consistently every week (and hopefully 2-3+ times per week) for many months, people will notice, and they will want to hang out with you. Boston is a fairly small town - even if you don't plan to hang out with people, you will run into them in the field IF you are out enough.

4) Be Reliable - Don't flake on your wings. If a guy no shows more than once in a while (or chronically shows up at 11:30 PM), I'm probably not going to want to hang out with him all that much. This is an easy one that most people fail to do. Take this stuff as seriously as anything else in your life that you commit to.

In-Set Wing Skills
Notice that I haven't mentioned in-set wing skills yet. Are they unnecessary? To the contrary, they are pretty important. The problem I've found is that most guys can open, hook, and hold a set before they start to do a significant amount of in-set winging. It isn't until you start to need a wing in your sets that you start to learn how to be a good wing in others' sets. A lot of guys who have been around for less than six months aren't going to know much about being a good wing in-set (other than what they read on mASF about Mystery and Style). Most of their winging is going to involve pushing their friends into sets, and waiting around to encourage them when they blow out. You may occasionally be pulled into someone else's set, but you probably aren't going to be expected to do much other than occupy the obstacle and not creep her out.

I have seen a lot written about winging in-set, and I think that a lot of it is wrong (FYI, don't ever come into my set and ask me if I've see Michelle). Good wing vibe involves knowing your wing and being able to predict what sort of things he is going to do in-set (and being able to respond accordingly). IMHO, it takes several times out together to get to the point where a wing is a net plus in-set.

Financial Value
There are some guys in the community who already have a pretty high probability of getting laid when they go out. A few of them will hang out with newbies out of the kindness in their heart, but a lot of the people who have gotten good have started charging for their time. My interpretation is that once you can get laid at will (and I'm not anywhere near there at this point), the community no longer provides you with the same sort of value. The service they offer is a fair one - they have offered to increase the probability you get laid (hence giving you value) in exchange for some amount of money. You may be able to get them to go out with you under some other pretense (and if you're out enough, you WILL bump into these guys and get the opportunity to hang out with them), but it is unlikely that they will be as effective as they would under a student-teacher arrangement. I recommend that everyone pursue professional help at some point.

Outcome Independence

I had an interesting coaching call with Sinn about a month ago. He basically told me that I was too outcome dependent and try-hard, and that I needed to let go and have more fun. To be honest, that was probably the most accurate assessment that anyone had given me up to that point. Most of the assessments that I have gotten focus on symptoms rather than on the root cause. A few other people had told me similar things, but I had never really listened to them. I assumed that, by going out and approaching more sets, I would eventually cease to care. Not true. You can approach all that you want, but if you care about the outcome, you will continue to fall flat.

Being in the Moment
I think that the whole concept of being in the moment or the present is vital to defeating outcome dependence. Don't care about what happened during the last set, or what is going to happen at the end of this set. Just care about what's going on right now. What do you feel? What do you detect when you look at the girl's body language and eye contact? What are your primitive emotions telling you? If you're not listening to them, you probably should be.

Meditation
I've been workng hard to keep up with my meditation over the past few weeks. Every morning, I do an hour immediately after I wake up (don't pass go, don't check your email, don't collect $100, just sit on that cushion and focus on your body). Then I try to meditate whenever I have a few free moments during the day. Meditating on the subway ride to the club or the mall (if I'm doing day game) is a great way to totally relax myself, and defeat any outcome dependence. When I finish meditating, I'm content, and really don't care what happens. My first couple of sets are often the best of the night, rather than just warm-ups. It can be difficult to maintain this inner peace in the loud and busy club environment, but it definitely helps.

Observing Without Changing
I'm a control freak. This has made the concept of "observing without changing" an extremely difficult one to grasp. When something is wrong, I want to fix it, whether it be inside or outside of my control. Game involves a lot of unknowns that are impossible to control completely, so it can be counterproductive to try to consciously change things. The best attitude is to observe and move on. For example, I may notice that I'm getting a lot of BF objections when I open direct during the day, or that my sets aren't hooking. I can get discouraged, but this isn't going to help me. The best thing to do is to notice it, accept that, and keep going. A lot of times, once you know what the problem is, you will subconsciously make adjustments that self-correct.

My Goal
My goal is to be more self-aware and to understand and accept who I am. "Me" is a constantly changing concept - I will gradually become better over time, so long as I don't fight the changes. I am convinced that, if I can accomplish this goal, all of the other things I want in my life will gradually take care of themselves.

Wow, I'm really buying this Buddhist stuff, but it really seems to be helping my self-image and confidence. I'm feeling a lot more content than I was just a month ago (when I left for my Vipassana retreat). I'm sure that my inner feelings will continue to change and evolve over time (as everything is impermanent), but hopefully I can continue to accept them in the same manner as I move forward.

A Month

Wow. It has been a month since my last post. I'm still alive and kicking, but ended up taking a break of sorts. I didn't really intend to, but first I spent 2 weeks at a Vipassana retreat, and then a week visiting family. By the time I had a chance to go out, it had been three weeks.

AA
It's amazing how much AA you have after not going out for a few weeks. I don't believe in "approach reluctance" or any shit of that sort. The idea of having to open a set causes physical anxiety and pain when you aren't used to it. Good thing that it goes away after a few nights in the field. In my case, I actually spent the first couple of nights choding out and only opening one set (which didn't really hook either time). Then I went out another night, and we made the excuse that there weren't any sets (there were probably two or three at least, even if you don't count mixed sets). It wasn't until I went out with one of my best wings that I actually blasted through my AA. I set my goal at 5 sets for the night (I started out with modest aspirations), and had no problem hitting it. The next night I was back to usual form.

Vipassana
This shit is amazing. I'm probably going to write an entire post on it, but it has changed my outlook on life. I never understood how to become outcome independent - despite the community dogma, no one actually tells you how to achieve it. Well, this technique is one way to achieve that. Possibly the best spent ten days of my life.

I'm going to reiterate the two immutable laws of pickup, and then I'm going to head out for the night. More on Vipassana and on outcome independence later...

1) It doesn't fucking matter.
2) Excellence is inevitable.